The Fear

You are a truly amazing man.
Hazel

adrian,
it is scary. hard for me to even wrap my head around, so i can't imagine how it must be for you. it isn't fair and i'm sure no one blames you for any amount of self-pity. you have started a chain of events that has wrapped around the world, and we will remain unbroken.
hugs and a good cider (my favorite thing to drink in england! i know, weak, huh?) :)
gillian, ne, usa

Glad to know you are feeling better. I cant even begin to imagine how scary all of this must be for you. You sound like you have a wonderfull family and a lot of good friends and you are all making some wonderfull memories together. Keep up the good fight and stay well.

Oh Adrian,

So sorry to hear you had a bad couple of days. Hopefully, a bit of a blip. Maybe over indulgence of good food and wine. Possible! Maybe time to cut back a little and look after that liver of yours. Could be its a little stressed out with the rich food, etc. Now and then perhaps we have to be a bit careful what we take into our system, and this may be one of those times. So eat sensibly for a couple of days and see how it goes. You can tell I'm a mum can't you.lol!

You are entitled to feel sorry for yourself you know - you're not in an easy place after all. You are bound to have those moments and it is difficult to know what to say to make it better.

However, glad to hear you're feeling a bit better this morning, it was just one of those things that happen now and then...

Relax and chill a bit, none of us can keep up a heady pace all the time and you may need some time to get some strength back.

Wish I could come up and give you a big hug and just sit with you a while. I'm with you throughout the day in my head though.

Have a peaceful night and please take it a little easy for a day or two...restore your energy.

Much love as always
Barbara xx

Dear Adrian, I'm so sorry you are having such a bad time, you don't deserve it. No-one can predict the sort of demise anyone is going to experience, but I trust to God that you like all the people I have love and regard for, you will not suffer. I'm sure that your Doctors and the people around you will not allow this to happen. The surest thing in life, is that we all will die sometime, but it's how our lives are ended that is something we don't seem to give too much thought to. I believe that there is something after death, I don't know whether I believe that there is a Heaven, but I sure do believe that in this present life, it certainly must seem like Hell for many people. You are constantly in my thoughts, as are your family. Tomorrow is another day, and I hope sincerely you will feel able to enjoy it.
With love
Sandra

Hi Adrian, so sorry to hear you have been feeling so ill. I'm sure it is just a blip that you will get through. Hope you continue to feel better and are soon back to drinking those pints of 'health juice'.
Nikki ;)

Adrian,

I'm a long time reader of your blog but a first time poster. Your documentation of your horrible 'journey' with this disease is an inspiration to all of us and the bravery you have shown throughout your ordeal is a credit to you as a person. We can all only hope that when your time runs out, and let's hope that it's not for a long time yet, you are afforded the comfort of going peacefully. Surely it's the very least you deserve for all of your hard work.

Keep fighting and we'll keep reading and hoping.

All the best.

Dear Adrian, So sorry to hear that you have been feeling so ill, but delighted to learn that you are tons better. Perhaps you have been overdoing things and a few days conserving your strength by resting more will prove to be beneficial. You are constantly in mine and my family's thoughts.
With love
Sandra

Hello Adrian,

I'm a African America woman living in Portland Or- the most beautiful state in the US. Ive been reading your blog for some time now and find your courage amazing and inspiring.You are in my prayers and I am amazed that you continue to use your life to give hope and help others, when this
illness continues to rob you of your health.You are showing us all how to truly live and I just wanted to thank you for that. I'm a Buddhist and chant Nam-Myo-Ho -renge-kyo. If you chant this, you will find some peace of mind that will help you to get through your day a little smoother. I
hope that helps a bit. I will keep reading and checking in on you. Please take care. The best to you and your family. Your friend Thea

Hi Adrian

I have been in bed ill with a virus for two and a half weeks which has left me completely wiped out with no energy as I lost my appetite for quite a while, I whole heartedly know that frustration of being stuck in bed whilst the rest of the world goes on around you I cannot stand being still unless it is of my choosing i.e. eating or in the pub!. Luckily for me I will get better but at the time when you are missing out on holidays (mine had to be cancelled) you just feel so miserable and ask yourself WHY ME which considering what you are going through sounds pretty pathetic but also just very human. I really do hope that the time you have left is not too difficult I can only offer hope as I am not religious so my prayers would fall on deaf ears! what ever happens I am sure you will tackle it with courage and dignity as will your family.

Thinking of you and let us hope this weather improves so you can get outside and feel the suns therapeutic rays.

Keep your chin up you are doing great.

Jx

It is so upsetting for all of your cyber groupies to hear you suffering...it is SO unfair. Is there nothing you are willing/able to try that you haven't already to beat this thing?

I will be so sad not to see your amusing entries here anymore.

If not, i also truly hope that the end is peaceful - you deserve that much.

Keep writing!

Thinking of you xx

You can't possibly be "Guns blazing" all of the time and we all know that. (how I wish that you could!) It's that old roller coaster called life and you are taking one heck of a ride. Hope you are feeling up to the old antics soon. You don't seem to let the pitty pot get you for too long, God knows I would, so I give you A LOT of credit for your optimisim when faced with these challenges. May God comfort you.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Tela

Adrian, I'm glad you're feeling better. Stay strong, you're amazing.

hope your day was good lots of people are thinking of you,sending you big hug xx pam

I was sick as a child, and I still have that fear and unease about the drugs that try to help, but leave you feeling unable to control things. I sympathize. And throwing up? I am such a pro, such an experienced barfer! I have 4 children and my morning sickness got worse with each pregnancy. I tried to fight my own pity party, and once I dragged myself to the front door, determined to be *strong.* I inhaled the fresh air and made up my mind to get passed the nausea and walk. Without any warning whatsoever, without a gag or churn, I vomited copiously all over the mat. Gee, I could have died from choking, while laughing and crying at the same time.
I am sorry. For the pain and the lack of normality, for the unknown, I am sorry. I hope, for you, for all of us, when our time runs out, that we feel at peace, that we feel held in arms, like a trusting baby, assured of being loved and ready to go forward.
Best.

Hi Adrian, I am sorry that you have been feeling rough over the past couple of days. No one deserves this least of all you. I want to thankyou for your comments about considering your blog readers as friends. It is both difficult and a privilage for us your faceless friends to support and offer very inadequate words of comfort during this dreadful time that you and your family are going through. It is very unlikely that any of us will ever meet you or indeed each other but we all share a common bond, our admiration for you and our desire to bring this campaign to a successful conclusion. Keep strong Chris

I believe you are putting us through life. Life through your eyes. And we wouldn't read if we thought it was disturbing or horrible.

Your life is beautiful. Pubs and swollen faces and scratch marks on your back.

Those anti-nausea drugs are amazing. I would GLADLY sleep for hours after being nauseous than be awake and nauseous. Maybe you're still nauseous in your sleep but you can't tell because you are knocked out.

Once again Adrian you have hit the nail on the head. It's now not the fear of cancer, or of dying.

What the big IT is.... is fear of losing control and not being able to make even elementary choices. Even the mundane ones we all take for granted like what to eat, when to kip, whether to walk down to the paper shop.

First the damned disease limits life choices and then starts to take control.

Just remember that right now it can't stop
you writing, or thinking about writing. It can't stop the things IT has no control over.
Like me and your other new friends around the world writing back.

Nor can it stop you "feeling tons better" this morning.

And stop worrying about what you are putting readers through. There'd be a big queue if we could take it in turns to have a puking session for you while you went happily about your business!

Remember you are still THE MASTER of your destiny even if fate dealt you a bum deal.

Best wishes, hope you had a good day.

This is a scary thing, no doubt. I hate it for you. It's unfair that someone like you should have to suffer for one second, and I know that you are so sweet and selfless that your main concern is dragging your family and friends through the agony with you. Don't feel that way. When my grandfather was dying, I sat there with him and held him when he was sick, I cleaned him up, I talked to him, sat by him while he slept so he'd know that he wasn't alone and that he wouldn't be alone when he woke up. This was not my gift to him, but his gift to me. It eased my mind that I was able to give someone that I loved some sort of comfort when they needed it. I know when you "Fell back" to your parents, they breathed a huge sigh of relief. I can't say it doesn't hurt my heart to think about you shuffling off, but I'm thankful that I've gotten to know you, even in this small way, and that I've been able to tell you how wonderful I think you are and to read all these comments from well wishers from around the globe who agree with me that you are something very special. It's okay to be afraid, but don't ever feel the need to apologize to the people who love you. Stay strong, and don't board that "plane" til you're damn good and ready. Do you remember (of course you must!) the time you wrote about the dream you'd had?? Where you were on the plane and dangling your legs and just laughing and laughing?? That's the picture I'm going to keep in my mind. Adrian, just laughing and laughing and moving on to his next adventure....

hi,
I am so sorry you are feeling shitty at the moment - I can only imagine is normal in your situation and dont you ever feel sorry for putting us through anything- we are humbled that you share all your times with us - both goodand bad. I hope your next few days will improve and you will feel perky again!
Always right behind you, somewhere out there,
Love
Jenny x

just take care of yourself we will all busy ourselves continuing with you campaign

jane xx

there are no words except to say we are all with you even tho we dont know you personally.you are unique and we will keep kickin parliaments arse after you've gone.your legacy will stand dont you worry us yorkies have some grit eh?i really wish for a miracle for you cos you above all deserve one.we are all rooting for you honey.xx

Good to hear from you - hope you have a better few days
sue

you completely amaze me as to how well you are doing. I check on you every day to see what extraordinary thing you have accompolished.
wish you well.

Julie
USA

Glad you enjoyed your weekend, the company of loved ones - and a dose of good old fashioned booze :-) ...but sad to hear you've felt so unwell since - I really do feel for you. You deserve a break, the very least anyone in your situation could ask for is a peaceful end. You convey your fear and feelings with such vividness and poignancy, it floors me!

I wasn't the internet-savy type myself before all this. I'd never even read a blog, let alone commented on one! (Now I'm hooked!) Seriously though, it's taking me on a bit of a journey too - I've never experienced such depth of emotion - or desire to act upon it! It's incredibly upsetting but enriching in equal measures - you have brought out the very best in everyone who follows your story.

Regarding your earlier post; I think your extended network of friends are pretty hardcore - this as a long term campaign and we're behind you 100%! We'll go the distance until your talks are implemented! It's also rather special to feel that maybe, in some small way, although we've never met you, we're helping and supporting you personally, too.

...Oh - and Lord Harrison of Chester, eh? Great to see the 'Sudders Effect' reach the Lords - and a little bizarre; my dad used to work for him years ago, when he was an MEP. Small world.

Hope you feel loads better by now. Love to you and those around you, Charlotte xx

Adrian,

You are in my thoughts and prayers. I started reading this blog a few months ago and find myself checking to see how you are everyday. You are an inspiration to all. May we all follow in your footsteps from now on.

Take Care and God Bless!!

Kim (NY - USA)

Adrian you really are an incredible young man and you must not be concerned about sharing the good and the not so good.If it is of some value to you, which I hope it is, then please feel free to carry on writing from the heart.There is so much of you in your messages that I, and no doubt countless others, feel as though I have actually met and come to know you.Sharing feelings with caring strangers can be therapeutic so please be assured there are many of us more than willing to listen from a distance. Best wishes to you and your family. Love Diane

NEVER worry about what you have put others through, rather give yourself a pat on the back for waking us all up. For making us aware of your campaign, about your disease(s) and about bone marrow donation!
what a crappy time you have just been through but it's GREAT that you are feeling tons better!! thank you for sharing so deeply and honestly with your blog readers.
God bless. You remain in my prayers, along with your Family & Friends.
Janet
SA

Hi Adrian,

I am Shiney from India, today I got a mail from Lesley asking me to sign a petition, which I cant as I am in India .I had contacts with Lesley and may be she mailed me by mistake.

But only today I am hearing about you for the first time.You may not read this mail..you will be getting hundreds a day.

I dont want to write what I am going through reading about your life, feeling so helpless and so sad...simply crying.

Actually I dont have any reason to live,just wondering if I can exchange my life with you.

Just sad that I can never see you sitting here in a far away country.May be I cant face you if I ever meet you...I will go mad with grief.

You had a decent life, I am never happy with my life till now...so try to be happy thinking that there are somany unhappy people in this world who have no reason to live.

I wish I was in your Poppy's place, must have NEVER left you.

Crying and crying made my eyes and face swollen,difficult to control.

Wish you all luck in the whole world.

Shiney

Best Wishes

Dear Adrian

It takes courage and sense not only to face your death so honestly, but to share it so openly with us all. By your doing this it will help many understand these last stages that we are all going to deal with sometime in some way. Sometimes it's difficult for those close to the person dying to ask too many questions - so, another great 'Thank You' to you for giving us a window into something normally not seen, heard or felt.

So often it's not the act of dying that is scary, it's all the stuff that goes with it that just sucks big time!

I sincerely hope that your passing is gentle and kind to you all.

Love and hugs to all of you and a special big one for your mom.

love and light
Annie

Hi Adrian

Don't ever worry about what you may be 'putting us through' or making us feel (unless it is to make us feel guilty that we aren't being active enough at spreading the word about the campaign to educate and recruit to the donor schemes).

I for one read your blog out of a real interest for my 'virtual friend'. To find out first hand what you are going through, and how you are comabating it. To give virtual support through the lows and to join you in celebrating the highs.

And I feel that I am one of many thousands doing the same!

Take care!

Andy...

Be brave. I've been reading your blog and I am amazed with your strenghth and will to live. I've friends and relatives that have through this.
I had a bad day at work and the I read your blog, and I realize that my problems are so insignifficants.

keep walking

Much love to you Adrian..
From someone who is very happy to be in Adrian's army :)
In your last post, you included the readers of your blog in the same group as your family and friends and as one of them I am honoured that you did..
For me, as am sure for many of those reading this, the same is true of the way we feel about you.. you are much loved by us (In fact I do believe that being a "Sudders groupie" is officially a worldwide phenomenon.. in fact it wouldn't even surprise me to learn that they've even applied to have the phrase added to the Oxford English dictionary!!!!!!!!!!!) and it has been a privilege and and honour to share your journey in some small way.
Am sending you the biggest hug you can imagine.. and sending lots of love, sunshine and prayers your way.
I was listening to a song called "True colours" by Cyndi Lauper, which reminded me of you..
Because your True colours really are "Beautiful like a rainbow"..you have sought nothing but to help others, despite what you have been going through.. and have touched the lives of so many..
Love to you
X

I am thinking of you Adrian, I hope you start to feel a little more with it soon.
Love, hugs and smiles sent your way
Jo
x

Think about you daily, Praying you reach all your goals.

Thinking of you, your a true hero

Its hard to know what to say to you, those early hours of the morning are not a great companion to have in times of uncertainty. In those hours the mind tends to assume the worst rather than the best and doubt hides in every dark corner. The best answer may actually be just to get up - someone in your "army" somewhere is probably on line and thinking about you! If the last 18months have shown you anything then it must be that you can't predict what happens next, try and conserve your energy for the times with your friends and family and don't assume the worst will follow.

We are all thinking of you and those who love you.

Hi Adrian,

I did try to leave a message last evening, but there seemed to be a problem with the blog.

I don't know what we are going to do with you! You are mentioned in Parliament and the House of Lords, and then you frighten the life out of us because we haven't heard from you for a few days, or when we do, we find out how ill you have been.

What I wanted to say last night was, that I feel I know so many of your cyber family, just from their posts and the comments they make. I am sure, when you "shuffle off" as you put it, we will stay in touch and with your family.

Adrian, since reading your blog, which has only been since May, I feel I am a much nicer person. I first found you when I was in the gym. I could see this lovely face on the tv screen,(breakfast TV) so plugged my ear phones in, and listened to what you had to say whilst I was on the treadmill!! From then on you have inspired me and I feel very proud to be part of your extended family.

I am too old to be a donor, but I have told my 15 year old granddaughter about you and hopefully I have sown a seed in her mind.

I am pleased you are feeling better today. It must have been very scary for you and your Mum and Dad when you became so ill.

Well, as always, my love to you and your family and I hope this message gets through.

Bless you Adrian, stay strong and believe me when I say we are all with you on this long journey. I hope you don't have any more scary moments.

Ree

Darling, darling Adrian: What you are putting us through? You have given us all the gift of life and hope..you are now giving us the gift of passing, death. You tell us where your mind goes so that we can go with you as much as possible, and for those that cannot stand it, simply don't read that post...For me, I live for every word. A possible look into the world my father now lives in that he cannot bare to share with me? It is a cruel place, but maybe more tolerable when you remember, and you really must REMEMBER...

IT IS NOT KEYBOARD TO KEYBOARD...IT IS HEART TO HEART......

MUCH MUCH LOVE, THERESE

Adrian, I have been reading your blog for the past few mothns, although I wanted to write to you I could never bring myself to do it, what would I say?. Now as I read this post, I just wanted to say remain strong, know that you have made a great impact not only in your part of the world but mine and so many others as well. I live in the U.S.A., and as I read your posts there is only admiration and respect for all you are doing despite feeling sick and tired all the time, for that you are an angel. I just wanted to say that, I will continue to pray for you, I pray that God makes your remaining days on this earth as peaceful and loving as you deserve/wish them to be. Remember there are millions of people praying for you. May God's unconditional love guide you and keep you.

Paola

Dearest Adrian - so sorry to hear you've been feeling poorly again but very glad that it has subsided and you are feeling better. As is typical with you, you have been worried about what you put us through, which just goes to show what a special person you are.

Perhaps you've been overdoing things but with the party atmosphere you seem to have at home, not to mention that amazing Wimbledon final, it must be really difficult not to ?!

You continue to be such an inspiration to me - I talk and think about you every day, wondering how you are, hoping that you are continuing to enjoy a happy and peaceful time with everyone you love. I'm so touched that you look on all of us as a kind of family, too, even though you are right to say it is kind of strange, but the feeling is mutual.

Sending you lots of love and energy, and wishing you many, many more lovely moments.

Jane, La Palma

Adrian, 'fear, frightening,scary,upset, tragedy' it all sounds so deeply human and real. Especially for a 27-year old.

When I think of fear I hear the words of Joni Mitchell. But - even as a doctor - I still DON'T understand...

I Think I Understand
by Joni Mitchell

Daylight falls upon the path
The forest falls behind
Today I am not prey to dark uncertainty
The shadow trembles in its wrath
I've robbed its blackness blind
And tasted sunlight as my fear came clear to me

I think I understand
Fear is like a wilderland
Stepping stones or sinking sand

Now the way leads to the hills
Above the steeple's chime
Below me sleepy rooftops round the harbour
It's there I'll take my thirsty fill
Of friendship over wine
Forgetting fear but never disregarding her

Oh, I think I understand
Fear is like a wilderland
Stepping stones or sinking sand

Sometimes voices in the night
Will call me back again
Back along the pathway of a troubled mind
When forests rise to block the light
That keeps a traveler sane
I'll challenge them with flashes from a brighter time

Oh, I think I understand
Fear is like a wilderland
Stepping stones and sinking sand

Take care, Ann

I wish you peace, Adrian.
India

Adrian, I have spent the last 5 weeks on a palliative care placement, and if I've learnt one thing, it's that people are amazing things and you have more control over what is happening to your body than you think. If you want to fight, that's all you have to do, likewise, if you don't, then you don't, but the outcome will be what you decide. I treated a man who according to all known medical fact and science, should have passed away weeks ago, but he has unfinished business and is determined to see it out. And I'm sure he will. Keep on truckin' matey, we're all behind you xx

Adrian,
Thanks for being so honest about your symptons again. You've had me in tears again but only because of the inevitable end to your illness, knowing that you know and accept this, but feeling really frustrated that it's going to actually happen to YOU. Your post today got to me because you were really upset by the latest development. Maybe you just had one of the horrible viruses that's doing the rounds at the moment - let's hope so!
I think you know that we all care about you big time and just hope for calmness for you but with awareness.
Just remember that every time you smile,every one of your blog family smiles back.
Adrian, you are very special and you, your family and your friends are always wished love, peace and soothing thoughts.
Loads and loads of hugs.

Christine M.

"However, I am scared that the end stages will be long, drawn-out and unpleasant."

This is the honest and heart felt comment which gives you and your blog the effect it deserves .

Love Dan

As a local reporter for the Irvine Herald in Scotland, I am asking readers in issue dated July 18 July to sign the petition, it seems such a simple request and hopefully our readers will be as inspired by Adrian's honest and refreshing writing. I feel very humble to read it and send him love from his Ayrshire readers.

Dear Adrian,

I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. This really stinks! I and, I am certain, many people are upset by your posting because we have come to consider you a dear friend. We care about you and please know that when you are feeling bad, we are thinking of you and praying for your peace. Also, thank you for trusting us with your private ordeal. Your friends and family have been a wonderful part of your journey but their love and devotion will bring you through the tough times. Let them help you if they can. Hope you see a brighter day tomorrow. With love and admiration,

Kathy from USA

Adrian,

Please don't ever apologize for what you write. We all want to know how you really are, the good and the bad. When I read this, I'm glad to know that you are feeling better and that you have a quiet day planned. You are educating us all on so many levels about so many different things. It is your honesty that touches me and keeps me coming back because you write from the heart and it is genuine. I can not imagine what you are going through and then you are able to write about it and share it.

When your body takes on a life of its own and you don't know what is going on, and on top of that you feel horrible, I think you have every right to have some self pity.

I wish you well, Adrian. Sending you peaceful thoughts.

--Caitlin

Adrian

Hang on in there, we are all sending you positive energy and above all hoping your wish for a peaceful journey be granted....

Words cannot express how overwhelmingly proud I am to be sharing your journey.....

much love

xxxreiki hugsxxx

dawny

Adrian-
I live a world away from you and yet you have entered my heart as if you were my own family.
I check on you every day and always hold hope that you are having a peaceful day.
I've never met you, but know I will never forget you. You are an inspiration.
Please continue to fight!
With lots of love,
Deb

Thinking of you and yours and wishing you a peaceful and pain free night. xx

Hello friend,

I'm so sorry to hear you have been feeling rubbish- self-pity and its ugly head are completely normal and jusified I think though. I wish, as am sure we all do, that there was something we could do to make things even a bit better. I guess all I can say is that we (all your many many friends-both virtual and real) are keeping you and yours firmly in our thoughts, every single day, and are wishing with all our strength that you are as ok as you can be. We are in this together mister (although you blatantly have the ropey end of the deal) and I hope this can provide at least some comfort.

Loads of love,

Nic xx

Adrian, the Superhero that has shared his great political feats with the world and invited us all into your home, your bathroom, your sickbed...I wondered when such a post would manifest; one in which you exposed your fear, dropping your Superhero suit just long enough for us to catch a glimpse of the real man behind the spandex. My admiration of you is beyond words and I can't tell you how I ache in reading today's post. The amazing rawness of it making my own stomach churn.

It is unfair, the illness. The unknown. It is a huge injustice that I, as a God-believing middle aged American woman, find hard to make sense of. But I always look for the good out of the bad. Adrian, you have given me a HUGE sense of today. You have given me the ability, the necessary ability, to embrace every moment. I am sure you have given this gift to MANY, MANY people that you will never meet.

Adrian, we are all here with you. The journey is yours but we stand along the sidelines and cheer, and smile, and hope the very best out of the very worst you have been through.

I come here every day. I don't bring beer, or jokes, or food...but I come to be a part of Adrian's world. A world I could not live in, but marvel at the Superhero who does.

aww bless your heart Adrian, I feel useless that I can find no new words of comfort for you, you remain (as always) in my thoughts and in my prayers that whatever lies ahead for you, you continue to find the strength and courage to face it, and that God keeps your family in His loving care, hugs to you all

Hi Adrian,
Considering everything you're dealing with it seems to me what you're going through mentally is totally normal. I'm sure it's easier to forget about things when you're charging off on the next leg of your crusade. It stands to reason you're going to have days where you just feel like crap. I know one thing, you're handling it alot better than most of us could.

Just know we're thinking about you, sending some prayers your way, wishing you comfortable and happy days, and wishing for good meds on the days that aren't so good.

And it may sound crazy......but we've grown to love you as well and you've become part of OUR families. Hang in there friend, do what you have to do to stay comfortable, keep those docs guessing on the liver tests, and have as much damn fun as you can.

Long live King Adrian..........
from one of your loyal army of servants
Beth
USA

I know it may sound cliched, but you are so very brave. Brave for fighting for bone marrow drives, and brave for fighting the disease for as long as you are. Just remember that when you get down. You are a strong person inside no matter what, no matter what your body is telling you. I'm immensely in awe of you and what you have been able to accomplish.

-Mary

Dear Adrian - read your blog from the 9th and just wanted to say that I hope you are feeling better by today - you are a wonderful person to be doing everything you are. Ann x

Well Baldy? what can I say , nothing probably just Thanks for the support for the likes of me. AML M0 chemoed out, 18 months remission no donor in world to suit so wing and prayer it. As I said before I have been a bone marrow donator since the very first day Anthony Nolan started .quite strange that things turn out like this. Just a great thank you for all you have done and are going to do. I can say that my work friends are now all donors thanks to you and me , and that can only be better for the future. Keep fighting mate we need you
Andy Mobberley

Hi Adrian,

Annie from Tennessee, USA, has been sharing with me all the many things you are doing to bring awareness to the importance of bone marrow donations. I dropped in to read first hand and to personally thank you! You see, I can remember clearly the day my mom called to say "there are no matches". I can still hear the tone of her voice as I tried to reassure her that help would come. Unfortunately for her, that help never came. We are with you in spirit and dedicate ourselves to this same cause in our area.

Adrian, you have deeply touched my heart and I send you my heartfelt best!

Greg Stephens
Birmingham, Alabama, USA

hi Adrian,
I cant thank you enough for sharing your pain and experience.you are awesome and have helped me to understand and deal with the pain and frustration that I know my mother experienced with her losing battle against cancer.she tried to protect us from her pain and it was not until after she was gone that we knew just how she really felt. she was independant to the last and did it her way. It seems like you have it sussed with your friends and family.
I think you have started something fantastic.God bless!

I pray that your strength rebounds from this recent episode. I can only imagine that I would be feeling every single emotion that you've had, and then some, were I in your situation. You are so tremendously brave and inspirational, and I pray with all that I have that you will NOT experience any prolonged feelings of illness!!! You are in the thoughts and minds of so many - I know that our collective prayers (thoughts/vibes, etc.) are bound to be heard.

I hope you're back to the beer in no time. God bless.

Oh Adrian, my heart goes out to you; searingly honest as always.

Cant claim to understand how it is for you but please know that we are all here to share the bad bits as well as all the victories (teeny ones as well as the huge one that is your campaign).

Guess this is a rollercoaster journey for you and your lovely family, and you've just experienced one of the scary bits :-(

Hope things are more settled for you now,and that as well as feeling physically better, that the scariness has subsided.

With my love

Cheryl xxx

I do not send my pity but my friendship from across the Atlantic. I am so sorry you had a mireable day - it sucks and no-one deserves to feel that way. I only hope today is a better day and you are able to get out of bed and enjoy yourself.

You are never far from my thoughts

Love
Jennifer
Tampa FL USA

Hi Adrian

This is a wake up call (as if we needed one) to the Sudders army. We must keep banging on those doors and do what we have to do to make this campaign succeed. So often this part is 'smoothed over' as noone wants to admit that dying ain't easy and your body,so young, just wants to fight on and on. What you write is heartbreaking to read however it is the truth and the consequences of having such a terrible cruel disease. How can you not be afraid? So hope your quiet day arrived and is still with you. Sending you and all your family much love. Alisonx

I have no idea what to say.
You are brave even putting in writing those horrid scary thoughts that come in the early hours. To speak them means admitting them although once said they tend to go away for a while so maybe writing them down is a very good idea.
You say you wonder what you put us through and we all dread the news that things are going downhill for you yet we all come back for more. You must remember why that is:
because we are all desperately wishing that there will be an unexpected twist and we will have the happy ending that we ALL want.
How amazing you are that most of us strangers feel able to write to you like this and care about you in such a big way.
I am still not sure if that says what I truly mean so as well I am sending you a big hug. (It's a great big bear hug so get someone you know to give it to you!)
Alison x

Hi Adrian and all followers,

What tremendous work you are doing Adrian to get people on the bone marrow registry and to give people suffering hope. I have laughed and cried reading every word of your entries; I know people say it a lot to you - but I'll say it again - you amaze me! I sincerely wish you lots of fun and laughter for all time.

I noticed that people have been commenting on your blog from the USA and some wondering how they can help. Please click on this link to view a montage of the story of Evan Cousineau, a 9 year old from California:
Be a hero, become a donor: http://www.onetruemedia.com/otm_site/view_shared?p=62b6fbcb547126bff64d76&skin_id=601&utm_source=otm&utm_medium=text_url
It tells you why you need to sign up and also has links for more information for those in the USA. You can see that Evan's Mum, Gina, is honouring her son's memory by starting a grass roots campaign to get more people on the register in the USA . I really feel if Adrian and Gina were to share ideas they could achieve so much. I have been in touch with Gina and she is keen to get in touch with you - follow the link to contact her: www.caringbridge.org/visit/evancousineau I wasn't sure how else to try make contact between you two. You can reach me on catherine.greig@st-hughs.ox.ac.uk

I hope this helps spread the word. With all best wishes, x

I found your blog by way of a Canadien friend of mine. I've been lurking for a while now. I just wanted you to know that your strength of character and generosity of spirit is inspiring.

I'm not religious or spiritual, but if The Infinate grants wishes and rights wrongs based on what's in someone's heart, I hope He is looking out for you.

I see no injustice at all in allowing a few dozens tiny birdies to help lighten up a bit of the incredible weight you carry.

I, for one, feel unshamefully honoured.

Adrian, am writing this in the hope that we can comment now, its not been working!

We are thinking of you always and are with you every step of the way - you have a right to be afraid of what the end may feel like, but I am sure with the help of your family and medical care it will be very peaceful.

Yet again your bravery is astounding,

With love,
Caroline x

Hi Adrian,
I hope as I write this you are feeling ok, and looking forward to another good weekend with your fantastic family. You are such an inspiration. As you sit there in the wee hours writing your blog, remember that we are all thinking of you and wishing all the very best for you and your family.
I had to have a little chuckle when I read the piece about your liver function tests. Back in 2000 I was quite ill and really didn't know what was wrong with me, I was vomiting and stuff and it went on for weeks and weeks. I had had a pretty hectic social life lets say and was preparing for my wedding so had a few trial hen nights and stuff,(!!), and following the results of a blood test i had, the doctor decided because i had really poor lft results, and i had admitted drinking lots and lots, and not really knowing what of (!!), I must have a form of alcoholic poisioning. I was really upset with myself that I had made myself so ill because I literally was so sick all the time I couldn't get out of bed. Well, to cut the long story short, my alcoholic poisoning is nearly due his 8th birthday and lies softly sleeping in the next room as I write this. I never think much to lft results these days. odd that isn't it? lol
Take care my friend, lots of love and good stuff to you and yours.
Tina -X-X-X-

Good morning Adrian.
I have been reading your blog for sometime now and there have been many times when I have wanted to post something but haven't really known what to actually say... so here goes.
Your blog has made me smile, chuckle quietly, laugh ou loud, cry with joy and then blub like a baby.
I just want to wish you Good luck and to keep fighting and well done on your campaign.
Hope the nausea and vomiting settle soon.
love Sam x

I am praying for you Adrian and have my little Presley doing many "Adrian booty dances" in your honor. May the love surrounding you by family and friends bring peace to your heart. We love you!!!

You are one hell of a human being Adrian.

I am 40 years old, and i can only wish that i had your dignity, grace and strength that you have.

You inspire me every time your write a new blog entry.

With much love and blessings to you and yours

Stu

Adrian, I've only been following your story and blog since you appeared on BBC Breakfast in May, and this is my first post. Like many others I have progressed from checking occasionally to daily (and sometimes more than once!), such is the effect that reading your story has had on me. I am astounded by the strength and dignity you have demonsrated throughout your experience. You have done so much to demystify what is like to live with leukemia, and terminal illness. You wouldn't be human if you didn't feel like this at some point. All I can do is send you my good wishes, follow whatever actions need responding to regarding your campaign and raise my glass to you!

I pray everyday that when your time does come..
it will peaceful...you, your family and friends are in my prayers..safe journey

Hi Ad,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,my heart goes out to you.....................wish i was over there with you id walk up without any words spoken and just Hug you.......You are quite the brave man,,,,,,,,,God will find a place of non pain for you,,,,,,,,,,,,, as you have given so much to the strangers you share your deepest thoughts with, Give mum sis and dad a friendly hug from a Usa person they too are great people,,,,,,,,,,,,,god bless you,,,,,,,,,,,Deb

My heart really went out to you reading this post. I can only imagine how it really feels for you. You show so much fighting spirit, so much laughter and love for your family and friends yet I can relate to how it must feel when you're not surrounded by people at 5.45am and you're alone with your thoughts. For me I have the same fear - to lose my independance with regards to this disease and have my ending drawn out and painful. Keep smiling Adrian. We are all thinking of you every day. Here's hoping you are feeling better. Take care and big (cyber) hug, Steph

Dear Adrian,

I am so sorry that you felt so awful again and that the solution was so sedating and long-lasting. I hope they titrate doses or change meds so you can feel more in control.

My strong wish for you is that you feel good enough to spend your days smiling and laughing with friends and family. I hope that with medical help you are able to extinguish the bad symptoms quickly so you don't lose another precious day to pain or nausea. And that as "the time" arrives, I hope that you, your family and your medical team can manage any symptoms and make it possible to rest and drift away from all the troubles your body has been through.

Please excuse the personal anecdote: I lost my last grandparent this past January and although my grandma's age of 93 years and her decades-long medical conditions were very different than yours, towards the last months she lost freedoms, several big measures of quality of life, and was at peace with the idea of dying.

When influenza gave her a bad pneumonia, she smiled comfortably saying she felt no pain and she told the hospice nurse that she had "Put in for a release and it had been granted". That is how she answered the question "Do you want us to treat your pneumonia?" The nurse felt she needed to be absolutely sure that was a "no" and asked my grandma "release from what, dear?". Grandma paused, eyes rolling ceilingward, looking both amused and slightly exasperated with some people's slowness, said "from LIFE" (emphasis hers).

Anyway, I guess I am telling you this story of another brave fighter who finally lay down her smoking guns, allowed some symptomatic help with breathing (morphine), with nausea and anxiety over trouble breathing (lorazepam) and with such pure relief on her face allowed herself to fall asleep. She slept well and comfortably through the night and one more day, then slipped off to (I believe) her happiest memories of days playing in the countryside as a little girl.

I hope you don't mind the morbid bend to this note. My message to you is after seeing her smoothest of deaths, I do fully believe such gentle transitions are possible for many people and I hope yours is as painfree, comfortable, and smooth as hers was.

Like everyone here, I love to read your beautifully crafted sentences, alternating between serious, instructive, hilarious, triumphant and sad. And after watching a few video clips, I hear your lovely voice as I silently read your words. We will all miss your words and your blazing guns - for most of us it has been our connection to you over oceans - but please don't feel you have to give us energy that you need for your loved ones, and most of all for yourself.

May you have some beautiful, if quiet, days ahead.

With love,
Margaret (USA)

Another of your fans from across the pond here. Have followed your story for some time but hadn't written before. Wanted to thank you for touching as many lives as you have, including mine. It's amazing how close you can feel to someone you will likely never meet...at least not in this lifetime; I can keep my fingers crossed for the next. Thank you for your strength and your beauty. Much love to you and your family. My thoughts and prayers are with you and all your loved ones. All of us whose lives you have touched are truly blessed.

Keep your spirits up!! You are such a strong person with such strong integrities!! Your words are as powerful as your being...you are an inspiration to all....Our prayers are always with you and your family. I have recently enrolled in the bone marrow donor registry in the U.S. thanks to you!

Hi Adrian,

I posted a comment yesterday but it is not here.
Now morning itself I was checking for any entry/comments from you.

I want to read your comments on all days, so that I can be sure that you are safe and alive.

I am from India, but signed petition.

Lots of love

Shiney

Dear Adrian,

I have been reading your blogs.
I am a shorthand teacher who has had many young journalists in her charge.

Your cheeky, bright face is so reminiscent of them all and the fun we have had over the years. Some have been such hard work trying to get them to do their homework and listen to dictation cds.

However, I have never regretted working with them for one minute. Onlyh once do I remember threatening to throw my briefcase in the canal after one particularly hairy lesson!

I think young journalists are a lovely breed of people - having great empathy with opressed people, hard working and SO funny! During lessons I have laughed with them until I have nearly cried, trying to keep a sense of decorum.

I will continue to read your blogs.

May your God be with you.

Phyllis

My god you really are popular there are so many posts already can't keep up with you now.

Well that was honest but you have to keep it together. It is a waste however you have to look on the other side of this. You blog about how amazing this time has been all the family and friends coming around day and night the parties and this amazing achievement. Look at it like a fast forward button through your life. I mean if you were not ill what would you have done. More travelling hanging out with your friends. Certainly not this if you had never got ill you wouldn't have know about it.

But you did get ill I believe someone had a bigger plan for you you will be well looked after when you arrive where ever it is that you are going to.

What I am trying to say is that in your short life you have achieved so much more than most some who dedicate their life to helping have achieved less. You will leave a legacy which will save lives for years to come.

So pull yourself together you have been given time to say goodbye more than some people get if they had an accident. I hope I don't sound mean I mean I am not the one dying but I envy what you have. You have an amazing family, Friends, skill at writing, achieved so much towards bone marrow education and you are so young you should be proud of yourself I know it must feel hard to leave of all this behind but you will take them with you in your spirit and they will in theirs you will never be forgotten.

Henny

Hi Adrian,

Hang in there. I'm sorry you are going through such a roller coaster of a time; I wish you could land a little smoother from your incredible highs. It's hard for any of us not struggling with a debilitating terminal illness to appreciate just how awful things can be when they are bad but I hope you can hold onto the inner amazing spark that is the Adrian who has changed the world.

Accept the comfort and rest that you can; don't suffer needlessly or pretend to be braver than you think you are. You are an incredible person and you need to accept the help and love of your friends and family and doctors and nurses. From what you've written on this blog, you are surrounded by amazing people. Trust them to help you. Rest and sleep well and take every opportunity to enjoy what you can.

Love from Embi, Australia

Your message has just reminded all of us that it is you and you alone that is going through this awful time please be aware that all of us think of you and wish you well. and mr T i pity the fool that thinks i will get on that plane.......xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi there Adrian.

Don't ever feel bad about occasionally feeling sorry for yourself, especially if you've got stomach problems. I've got Crohns Disease and when it's bad I could whine for England, I really could. It's bloody horrible having stomach ache and feeling sick all the time, you have my sympathy. If you're still having a few problems try a teaspoon of peppermint powder dissolved in warm water, it's pretty good. People may recommend peppermint tea but I can tell you from experience that it's bloody disgusting stuff. Red wine helps as well. I'm not joking, it actually does, and I don't mean in a 'drink the whole bottle till your entire body goes numb' sort of way, just a glass takes the edge off. Well it does for me but then I'm a bit weird, it may not work for everyone. The consultant reckons it's something to do with antioxidents.

I hope you're feeling loads better today,
Take care,
Love Vicola x

Stay strong x

For such a young man you have been through a tremendous amount, and it is amazing that you still have the same enthusiasim for your campaign as you did to start with. You are an inspiration to everyone an I will definatly be looking into donating bone marrow, something which I never would have done before.
I pray that when your time comes it will be very peaceful and without pain.
God bless you and your family.

lots of love

Fiona

Hang in there Adrian. Every minute you give to the planet is making it a better place. You're actually getting people to know about Anthony Nolan. The compassion you've stirred up is awesome. Personally I thought mankind was screwed. If billions of pounds/dollars can be spent on 4 by 4s, plasma TV's and Oil Wars, why the fu*k can't we find enough to wipe out this god awful basta*d cancer. I don't expect you to put this in your blog Adrian, I just wanted to write to you. More than twenty years ago Leukaemia f***ed my world. I'm one of the lucky ones and the guillotine is here with me every day. And now my mate is in a similar place to you. Does it matter how many gigabytes the latest fashionable electronic crap has got? Does it bollocks. We're all at the mercy of illness and it has none. Life is so fragile. Fortunate are the ones that know, or the ones that don't know?...
You'll be aware of the following but I just checked a minute ago. Courage: Cambridge dictionary definition; the ability to control your fear in a dangerous or difficult situation. Seems a bit like an understatement. Your courage has inspired me and obviously so many more. And when your fear overwhelms you then you're very much entitled to that.
I was talking to an accountant about the Tax Man and I commented that it was not fair to which he replied, 'What's fair got to do with it'.
The same goes for life then. Bastard.
Keep it up mate, every minute of yours is making a difference.
All the best,
Tim

Adrian,

I have been following your blog for such a long time and have written many comments and deleted them, they just have never seemed like the right words!

You are such an inspiration and are doing amazing things. The campaign is brilliant, I will continue to tell my friends & family about your blog, get them to sign the petition and spread the word.

You are in my thoughts everyday and will continue to be.

Take care and enjoy every moment,

Karen x

Ps. I check your blog too many times a day to see how you are! (what a complete stalker!! Ha ha ha).

I'll tell you what, Adrian. You're a damn good writer.
Tim

Hey Adrian

Just been listening to an Indigo Girls song called Let Me Go Easy. Sort of seems appropriate at the moment. It's such a hard road you're treating down right now and although we're all here with you also a very lonely one.

And not knowing exactly how things are going to progress and what's making you have the symptoms you're having can make it very frightening. Hang in there. You've come so far and you're surrounded by love and good wishes. When it gets difficult try to focus on that.
lots of love
Angela

Hi Adrian

I do understand where you are coming from, having had similar thoughts in the darker days of being ill. Nothing I or others can say will change things, and that powerlessness is one of the hardest things. Maybe trying to reflect on how much you have done over the last 18 months, both with your campaigning but also just being alive and with family and friends may help. As for facing the inevitable, that's a huge terrifying thing, only you can do that. (Although as I write this I can't help but think of Eric Idle singing 'Always look on the bright side of life' - hopefully your sense of humour is as inappropriate as mine!)

Don't beat yourself up about self-pity, what has happened to you is shitty and unfair, acknowledging that is reasonable and sometimes useful.

Hang in there as best you can,
Thinking of you
Allon

Hi Adrian

Just wanted to let you know you have no reason to apologise to us for reading what is a truely honest and amazing journey that you have allowed us to share with you. I just wish I had the privileage to have met you personally, to give you a hug and say it will be alright but you have your family to do that and I am sure at times you have felt suffocated by it all. You are such an inspiration and I only hope that when the time comes for you to end this terrible journey God will allow you the dignity to take the final steps peacefully and without any more suffering. I, along with the rest of your cyber friends will miss your blogs. Adrian do try and keep your spirits up, sending you all my best wishes and hope you have a good weekend. Amanda

Dearest Adrian

Sending my love to you and your family. Feel like a surrogate mother and care for you and hate feeling helpless to protect you from the bad times.

Your style of writing makes me feel like you are writing to us all personally,because you share you feelings and are so open.

Wrapping you up in a big hug and hoping you have a better day.

p.s.my son is going to Italy tomorrow for a week. most people would say 'that's nice'. To us it is monumental. A good friend, cancer survivor herself has offered to take him to her villa with her son. So after persuading the consultant that it is a good idea, having countless blood tests, armed with a barrage of tablets, letters for hospitals and hideously expensive holiday insurance, he is off.It is the first time we will have been apart since he was diagnosed a year and a half ago and I'm terrified. But you have to take each day and take the good bits and enjoy and cope with the rest as best you can.

love to you and yours

Sally x

Like Lorraine, I only started following your blog a couple of months ago - but I check often. Your blog is so touching, so inspiring... I have to have some (minor) dental work done - and I'm petrified of dentists - I only wish I had a quarter of the courage you display because I'm acting like a petulant child over going - and I will be sedated!

I don't have any experience at all with what you're going through, and I'm not really sure I know what to say - but you are amazing. I hope that things work out the way you want - and rest assured that next time I go to give blood, I'll be asking about bone marrow too. You're truly inspiring...

Hi Adrian,

I thank God for everyday you are alive and I pray that His peace will always be with you. I am fervently holding out for the miracle of healing for you. Above all though, I pray that you will be free from pain and be filled with the joy of knowing His love.

I'm wondering still what you are saying 'sorry' for....you're a star man (wasn't that a song?), and an inspiration, those are not qualities that require an apology as far as I am aware! ;o)

I'm glad you are feeling more yourself and I am honoured to be even considered for the status of groupie! :o)

(p.s. I wonder...do we have a 'Sudders Campaign' button/widget yet? I will happily design and host one for myself but I would hate to tread on any toes.)

Hi Adrian,

Please don't apologise for being brave enough to be vulnerable. Your friends and family (and I hope you don't mind that I unclude myself in that) are exceptionally privileged that you trust us all enough to share your most intimate feelings - including being scared.

Of course you're frightened - it's perfectly natural but you have proved time and time again that you are equipped to deal with whatever happens.

Rest assured my friend, in the knowledge that you will receive comfort, grace and peace when you need it.

Though you are alone, we are all around you, surrounding you with love and prayers and holding you gently in our collective arms.

Rest easy Adrian.

Much love as always,

Julia xx

Hi Adrian

I've read your blog now for several months, but I've hesitated to leave a comment thus far as I feel anything I leave will be so irrelevant. What could I possibly say that hasn't already been said and in view of what you have gone through and will have to go through in the future, the words I wanted to say just seemed a bit feeble. However, I feel I now have something I can post as I have just emailed the principal of my son's school with a link to your blog, asking if they can get involved in anyway, shape or form to try and get this 40 minute talk in place. My son's school is an independent public school so I'm not sure if they have to follow the National Curriculum and political red tape as state schools do, so I am hopeful that something will be done. As a school they actively encourage the students to debate and discuss a wide range of issues, so I remain positive. I am still awaiting a response (the school has broken up for the summer, but they are always contactable during holiday times), so I will keep you posted. If we get a positive response from my son's school then we could expand it to more schools in the independent sector. whatever the response, I'll continue to badger them! I'm glad you seem to be feeling a bit better. Remember... you might be sick in body but you'll never be sick at heart. Chin up! Polly.

Hi Adrian,

So sorry to hear that you're feeling not-so-well anymore. I did find a brief news story today on the BBC website that I thought might give you a little hope. A BBC reporter met the family of a little boy with a rare genetic condition which meant that he essentially had no immune system. The family let the reporter film when the little boy was having his bone marrow transplant, and the article describes it and she said that she was amazed at how easy and simple it was. The little boy has now made a full recovery thanks to the donor in America. Seems that the more people who are made aware of this, the more people there are continuing what excellent work you've started, the better for everyone needing bone marrow transplants. The link is http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/wales/7500228.stm if you want to read the full story.

I do believe in connectivity and energy Sudders and there's positive energy, prayers and love flowing fast in your direction from every corner of the globe.

Every time I read the comments I notice another 'friend' - you're being thought of and loved in Australia, New Zealand, India, the Caribbean, all over the UK, all around the USA, South America, Africa... the list goes on.

And I know I speak for all of us when I say that we'd give anything to be able to take your pain away, to ease you fears, and to guarantee for you a peaceful end to this difficult journey. Don't for one minute beat yourself up for feeling self-pity.

You're an incredible man who's been dealt a hard hand - you've played that hand better than any of us could ever have hoped to play it ourselves, and along the way you've helped others play their hands with courage, humility and selflessness.

With lots of love from Trinidad
Hugs and kisses
Tash
xoxo

Oh Adrian... please never worry what you say here to us. We are all deeply honoured that you share so much - the good and the bad.

By the way - I know everyone keeps saying how handsome you are (which of course is true) but I have never said this to anyone, ever before...

"Your Dad is pretty hot!"

hahaha - I'm 43 - I'm allowed to say that! :O)
x

I'm glad that you're feeling better now. I hope that you realize how many people care about you, even if it's only through reading your story. I hope that you can spend as much time as possible with friends and family, and I wish you peace.

Dear Adrian,

I don't even remember how I stumbled upon your blog, but I have been reading it for about a month now. You are an amazing, brave, strong, and inspiring person! Your legacy will live on and the work you have done will pave the way to better awareness of your disease and its treatments.

Peace,

Jan from Washington, DC

Hey Adrian,

Today, because of you, for the first time I gave blood and joined the bone marrow register.

Serena
Leukaemia Research

Adrian,

I caught you on the BBC Breakfast news back a few months ago and as soon as I got to work, 'Googled' you to find out more. I've stayed with you since, keeping abreast of all the updates and how things are going with you, reading the blogs from the beginning through to now…always wanting to write but not knowing what to say. This is simply because words don't take away this disease and pain and it's exactly that, that myself and others want to do. You have touched so many people and in doing so, made it possible for so many to understand and learn about leukaemia. What you do, what you write and how you are makes you a very selfless person... you are a truly brave man and I am humbled to have been given the chance to have you touch my heart. I will be signing up to help...

With love Bex xx

Hi there - I'm a fellow reporter and I've been following your story. Just wanted to add my voice to all those shouting support and encouragement to you. Hopefully all this positive thinking and goodwill for you can have some effect - well, it's worth a shot! I hope you've had a better few days - and that you find at least one thing every day that makes you smile. Lauren.

Hi Adrian,I am thinking of you as always,
love and hugs,Jean xxx

aww you beutiful buetiful person, how can life be so so cruel to you, i strongly believe adrian that the next life holds something really amazing for you,i cry everyday for you at such a young life that as been distroyed by such a horrible and cruel illness, i really hope adrian that you will be with us all for a very long time to come, what i do know when you are called to that better place it will be EARTHS LOSS BUT HEAVENS GAIN, ALL MY LOVE TO YOU MY AMAZING LAD,hope you are feeling loads better today, take care my love xx

Hi Adrian,

Amy Patrick here to bug you again.
I understand "The Fear" lurking about trying to get a toe-in-the-door. A constant battle. I also understand your hoping, wanting, praying that the "end" comes smoothly and without fear and dissorientation. That is how I've submitted my request to God for mine as well as Ryan's eventual "cure".
I remember over a year ago when Ryan had his huge tumor wound on his back and I "got to see" his rib bones, spine and hip bone fascia through the wound - startling to say the least. He was having a dressing change and started to bleed. Lots of people coming in and out, comments like, "I can't get this to stop!", "It's really coming out now!" swirling in my head. The whole time Ryan was giggling on "GAS" and asking what he should get people for Christmas, describing his favorite shrimp meal, asking if we could get one of these GAS machines for at home when he can't fall asleep. He was so HAPPY and free of spirit. I remember asking God that if He were going to take Ryan to heaven soon to please do it right now while Ryan was happy, felt no fear, and was full of love and joy. Ryan was even poking me in the nose laughing. It broke my heart to "bargain" with God that way but more than even death and loss I hate thinking of Ryan or YOU, Adrian, in fear, pain or panic. I guess God has different plans for you both because you're both still here for awhile - plugging away. We never know for how long but I will continue to pray that fear, anxiety, pain and sadness do NOT accompany any of us on our journey to "the other side."
I love you Adrian. You are right, we are a family and we share the same warrior spirits and tales of battles faught, won, still being waged. Hope the nausea stays at bay and parties continue.

Love you much,
Amy Patrick (Ryan's mom)

Hey Adrian,

I can't imagine how terrifying these lows must be for you. As someone who also hates losing control of anything, I can only guess at the hell you've been through this week.

Hope you've had a more peaceful, restful time over the past couple of days, and that the platelets topup will allow you to have a fun weekend.

Thinking of you and sending hugs,

Catherine x

I'm so glad I was able to meet you here on our blogs. It has been very sad to see you go through all this and watch the struggle get harder for you. I am very glad though, to have gotten to know you through your blog.

Whatever lives we live, we all make a difference in some way or another. You have made a difference to me.

Thank you. I will keep sending you prayers and strength for these days to be peaceful for you.

Sending love from across the ocean...

Hi Adrian
What a horrid few days you've had, hope now your in hospital you feel much better.
Keep strong draw strength from ALL your friends FEEL the LOVE we send to you every day,

You and your family are in our prayers.

Seize the day, grab it with both hands and don't let go.

love as always
X Marlene.

I am thinking about you all the time! I know what you are going through is incredibly scary. Just know that you have a lot of people rooting for you! Positive healthy vibes, and lots of love and hugs from the U.S.!!

♥
Merideth

PS did I forgot to include Facebook support group link... and loads of HUGS from me and Anne x x x

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=18455388815

Hi Adrian

Did try posting yesterday, probably lucky it didn't take coz I rambled on forever!

Your style of writing, your openness about your feelings, delivers an intimacy that makes me feel that you are writing to all of us individually and that is why we all love you so much and feel like we have made a new friend and we all care Adrian.

Wanted to wrap you in a big hug yesterday and please send love to your family, as a mum i know how helpless I feel with my son because this illness is too big for me to protect him from it, and it is very hard to stand on the side lines when someone you love so much is in pain or feeling down.

Glad you are feeling so much better today and hope the top up helps.

Have a good day

Love Sally x

Hi Adrian

I am so sorry to hear you have been feeling so low and poorly. Feeling so sick is awful...

My father is still in hospital (I read your blog for the first time whilst in the relatives' room in ICU 11 weeks ago). He suffered with multiple organ failure caused by septicemia and was in a coma for two weeks. He has been on a combination of drugs ever since and hates the fact that he is not in control of his body. You have written so many things that he would totally empathise with and truly understand - especially the post today...

Reading your blog has helped me to hopefully become a better support for him at this scary and uncomfortable time.

He reminded me how people suffering with sea sickness often try to throw themselves overboard. They are not normally suicidal but just feel that bad that they want to end that feeling. That's how bad severe sickness can feel....

He gets most depressed by the lack of control and the rollercoaster of one day feeling up and positive and the next day down and sick.

I hope you are now feeing a bit better. I saw in your gremlin post that you were off for more blood etc. which hopefully will pick you up.

Love

Jane xxx

If love could be bottled (from family, friends & complete strangers) you'd be a Multi-Millionaire Adrian!

Sending love as always to you, Carrie, your parents, family & friends - those you know and those you haven't even met.

Yvette
xxxx

Hello Adrian,

I hope you have a good weekend. And that you have a great time with your family and friends. Let us have the worries, and you have the fun for a while. We can take it - so many of us can share that it won't be hard to carry.
Just take our love and use it to your advantage.

Big hugs,

Anna

Hi Adrian, Am SO pleased that youre feeling a bit better. Went out with some pals last night and had a few. Whilst chatting mentioned about writing to a bloke on a blog. They all thought I'd gone more odd than normal until one of them clicked that it was you I was talking about. Anyway from what I can remember one of my pals is now off to give blood (not today as full of alcohol), as she was thinking of taking over where her husband left off but hadn't got round to it. (he gave blood for years but has had cancer so cant now). Seee how you touch more lives....and a few ladies on a Friday night out...the ripples on the pond continue:-). Much love, light beer, wine (no vodka, am off it today) to you and yours Val

I just found your blog after it was posted on my CML support website, and I am amazed at your motivation and drive to help educate others about bone marrow donation. I was diagnosed with leukemia in March 2001 and entered a clinical trial for Gleevec (also called Glivec) in Houston, Texas in April 2001. The drug has worked well-enough, but it is not Cinderella's slipper for me. However, it has enabled me to live well enough to enjoy my family. Your blog was a wake-up call for me to do more-- and I think your idea about education is the way to go. I am going to talk to my 14 year-old about what we can do to educate kids about bone marrow donation. God Bless you, and I wish you success in London.You are amazing, and I hope you don't mind if I place you and your family on my Episocpal Church's prayer list for strength, peace and comfort.

Like the sunset Adrian.

That is the only way to imagine it. Although it is so scary, try not to agonize because, for you, that's what it will be - a sunset. Like the calm & beauty when the sun fades - just a last touch of grace for your life and the ones with you at that time.

I hope this day is a LONG way away for you but perhaps in the meantime the thought or visualization can help.

Love, Beth
San Diego, USA

hey Adrian. Down the islands with no Internet connection... He'll we don't even have pipe borne water here. Is all rain water collected off the roof. Anyway nicked my cousin's I phone to check up on you. Hope Friday's blood boost gave you a lift and paved the way for a great weekend. Wish I could spirit you and your family away and bring you all here. It's my happy place as you already know from my blog entry about it. And as it's rainy season you English would feel right at home :) sorry if this is full of typos but I'm technologically challenged and typing on this thing is way above me.

Bedtime for me here enjoy the rest of your weekend. Thinking of you and yours as always. Lots of love and hugs - not those normal hugs eh but a real proper rib crushing breath depreciating god damn I wish I could do more than just hug you type of hug. Night suffers.

Lots of love from trinidAd
tash

Dear Adrian, I have been sitting here struggling with so many words and thoughts in my head to say to you. So many people have expressed their feelings in ways I want to. In searching for my own words I want to share this (it is not my words but I believe you are part of this) "I will lead them in paths that they have not known: I will make darkness light before them, and crooked things straight." ISAIAH 42:16 You are doing this, Adrian, it will follow you long before we get to follow were you are going. Save a place for us. "The Lord shall guide thee continually" ISAIAH 58:11 Here's to hoping you have better days still, I raise my glass of brew to you.
Give your fear to those that love you. They can carry it. Love and Prayers to you, your family and friends.

damn. See what I said about my technical ineptitude. That was supposed to be night goodnight sudders. Predictive text changed it to suffers. No clue what the rest of that comment must have ended up saying. At the very least hope you had a food laugh at me on account of the tripe I typed. Night Adrian

Xozo
tash

Dear Adrian,

I found this video uplifting and powerful and though that you might like watching it. "Dancing" was made in 42 countries by a guy who dances a jig at each incredible historical, natural, rural or metropolitan site. And he adds some of the world he saw and met along the way. A hauntingly beautiful song written for the movie accompanies it. I beleive it is just a few minutes long but it had me watching it over again.

Although a completely different focus, obviously, than the subject you address in your blog, both the video and your blog have a tremendous power to touch the hearts of the viewer/reader. And, truly, although it is strange to say (as you have written) a real closeness of distant souls experiencing both hope and exhileration, even in a world full of significant local challenges and lives frought with battles of personal health, of public health, and of much needed minor government improvement!

Thank you, once again, for all your work and generosity, sharing these hugely important and difficult parts of your life. I am so glad your life also included 25 years before these challenges and I hope (and am confident that) you lived as fully as you have through this period. I am so glad that all who read your words and see your interviews are lucky enough to share and learn from your life philosophies and optimism.

I hope you can view and enjoy the video.

http://www.vimeo.com/1211060

With love,
Margaret (USA)

Adrian,

I use to give these words to friends who received a stem cell transplantation. But this morning I like to write them down in your blog:

'To Cross an Ocean' as said by Sir Walter Raleigh in the movie 'Elisabeth, the Golden Age' (2007):

'It begins with a journey. You must cross an ocean.
Can you imagine - can you feel - what it is to cross an ocean? For weeks you see nothing but the horizon. All round you. Perfect, and empty. Your ship is small - tiny - a speck in such immensity.
You live with fear, in the grip of fear - fear of storms, fear of sickness on board, fear of the immensity. What if you never escape? How can you escape? There's nowhere to go.
So you must drive your fear down, deep into your belly, and study your charts, and watch your compass, and pray for a fair wind - and hope.
Pure naked fragile hope, when all your senses scream at you, Lost! Lost! Imagine it. Day after day, staring west, the rising sun on your back, the setting sun in your eyes, hoping, hoping -
At first it's no more than a haze on the horizon, the ghost of a haze, the pure line corrupted. But clouds do that, and storms. So you watch, you watch.
Then it's a smudge, a shadow on the far water. For a day, for another day, the stain slowly spreads along the horizon, and takes form - until on the third day you let yourself believe.
You dare to whisper the word - land!
Land. Life. Resurrection. The true adventure. Coming out of the vast unknown, out of the immensity, into safe harbour at last.
That - that - is the New World.'

(Trailer: http://www.universalpictures.nl/elizabeththegoldenage.html)

praying peace for you today...

"Lying in bed, not knowing if you are going to get better, or what exactly is causing you to feel sick, is scary.

The times you are awake but unable to function normally are the worst."

I understand. And it's like mellow euphoria as if the world's been lifted off your shoulders if you get even a day to feel somewhere near normal.

I hope with everything, for you, that there are as few times of feeling like this as possible.

Over'n out Mr S :-)

P.S. I call it The Fear too, it's universal in such helpless situations it seems! God Bless Withnail and I... ho ho

You won't remember but I've mentioned to you previously James who came from Huddersfield and who suffered with Cancer for most of his life, finally dying in late 2002 aged 26. (He and I make quite a long story; we were never officially a couple but we were tremendously close and gave each other a lot of comfort during that summer whilst he was dying and I was nursing a broken heart from someone else.)

James was afraid of the same thing that you are. He was afraid he would end up in hospital for months on end as he lay dying. In the end, he didn't. He was admitted to Huddersfield Infirmary five days before he died and was still receiving visitors on the evening he died, slipping away peacefully in his sleep in the small hours.

No need to reply but know that you're in my thoughts. xxxx

Hi Adrian,

During these times of difficulty I am thinking a lot about you and your family. I wish you all the best outcomes and a speedy return home.

Keep strong

sincerely,

kathy from usa

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ADRIAN, Glad you don't have to spend it in hospital.

Your bravery astounds me every day,My ma was also brave when she had breast cancer, she like you didn't want to suffer and to be honest she didn't her passsing was so peaceful and serene, i just wish every one when their time comes to have such a passing.

Just know adrian that you HAVE made such a positive impression on everyone you have touched with your story and with us all behind you, you can bet your bottom dollar that your campaign won't stop.

Wishing you peace and tranquility my friend

hugs

suzanne

Would love to share my son Evan's story and how one little mother is changing the world because of his journey. visit caringbridge.org/visit/evancousineau

Adrian,
You spoke of your fear of losing control because of sedation--this need not be. Forgive me if I am wrong, but I do not see any mention that you have engaged the help of Hospice. They will positively be able to help you maintain control yourself. You will be able to choose to stay at home, go to hospital, to a Hospice facility--whatever is best for you at any particular moment--as well as to choose how to manage health problems or pain or discomforts. If you haven't, I urge you to contact them.

I was recently with my beloved Dad when he breathed his last (lung cancer). I was amazed at how peaceful and dignified it was. It totally removed so many of my fears of dying because I saw with my own eyes that it's just a natural part of this life. You mentioned something about time seeming to vanish--I think time does indeed get out of joint at times like these. It will only be the blink of an eye until I am gone myself, and all those that I love. I do not know your religious beliefs but regardless, whether Christian, Jew, atheist...I am sure that we will all be welcomed into the presence of God and all our loved ones who went before us. And all will be well. I hope I have not offended you but I don't want to say something meaningless like "hope you get well soon." Just know that even though we are strangers to each other, I (like so many other people) am standing with you in this journey, whether long or short.

karen

My Dear Adrian,
Words are not worthy enough to express my deepest respect for you. You are on a mission for God and if you "Let Go" of ALL control, you will realize there is no end. Yes, we are born, we live, we die, but that is a complete circle. Where is the end.....birth or death? Some people I've read about having a near death experience say they would rather be in the "after life" than the Hell we have to go through here on Earth. It's ALL an experience we must go through.
You my friend have this great opportunity to educate others through your gift...... written words. Be frank, and concise with your feelings. Your experience is yours alone. Not one other soul will go through what you are experiencing at this moment. No one here is going to judge you because we all must face death sooner or later. Just keep expressing your thoughts and the world is watching through their hearts.
I pray you will transition through your circle smoothly and painlessly. Remember, this is not "the end". It is a change and change happens ALL the time whether we like it or not. Let Go!!

With deepest love and respect,
Margaret USA

Hi Adrian

My cousin is experiencing the same problem as yourself and I realised it must take tremendous courage to cope with chemo and the side effects. Well done on your recent campaign.

I think we all live in fear of the unknown at a time like this. Just before losing a loved one recently, she had commentated to her mother she had seen an angel at the foot of her bed. This was of great comfort to her loved one and whenever or wherever your last moments are Adrian, you will never be alone on you journey.

God bless you.

Margaret

Hi Aidrian,

Hope you have managed a smile today.I have a condition called fibromyalgia, not life threatening, ache like mad and felt sorry for myself. Reading your blog and the replies you have had has made me think how lucky I am.

Best Wishes

Marie

Adrian I have followed your blogs but first time I've posted. You are an inspiration. I underwent a transplant in April at Hallamshire and your blog gave me the courage and knowledge to take the step. Your petition was a marvellous idea especially as I know the strength it must have taken for you to undertake it. Your next step - turn your blogs into a book it may give another person and donor insight and courage. Wishing you a peaceful conclusion.