I think some of you will find this post hard, others will find it positive; I think most of you will find it sad.
My life expectancy literally is weeks now.
I know we have been saying that for a while but my white cell count is spiralling upwards and out of control.
After Friday's rather miserable post I have to say I am actually feeling OK.
I spoke to my consultant while having blood and basically asked: "What is the point of this?"
Think about it, what is the point of carrying on with this half-existence? I can't eat much, have a beer, socialising with friends is difficult if my stomach is ripping into me. I'm weak and progressively deteriorating.
Why draw this period out?
I have tied up lots of lose ends including my Will, bank accounts, arranging gifts/letters for loved ones.
We have achieved all we can for the time being with the campaign.
All I need is a bit more time to tie up one or two more loose ends.
I asked my consultant what he felt was his aim for life expectancy on this management regime and he said the end of summer early autumn.
I replied I didn't want to go on like this for that period of time and asked about my options.
Basically he said if I decided to come off all my tablets it would bring that life expectancy down from say six weeks to two or three.
For me, that was an easy call to make.
So on Monday my family and I are meeting up with my excellent GP, district nursing and Macmillan nursing teams, to discuss a plan of action while I am still sound of mind.
It helps me take some control back over this unenviable position I find myself.
The consultant even thought I might not make the following Friday.
I laughed and said: "No, way, Sudbury's are as tough as old boots." So we had a gentleman's wager!
This might sound morbid but if I was you I would be wondering about how I'm going to die.
Assuming an infection doesn't clobber me first it will actually be a consequence of the leukaemia.
There are many different white blood cells in the body which usually help fight off infection.
You will have probably heard of 'high white cell counts' in association with this blood cancer.
As the cancer in the bone marrow spreads and takes up more room, more and more of these cells are 'squeezed' out, into the blood stream.
The consequence of this is the blood gets sludgier and more viscous.
This then starts to impair organ function. The consultant explained that I will start to feel more tired and less alert as this takes place in the brain.
That is definitely already beginning.
It sounds horrific but I've been assured that dying from leukaemia isn't necessarily painful. The district nurses will be increasingly on hand to help out and towards the end apparently many patients just fall asleep.
I really hope that is true in my case.
One of my biggest sources of anxiety though was how I was going to sort out visits from all my friends?
There are lots of people who want to see me to say goodbye and I was really getting myself worked up about this. I do not possess the energy to be rounding up and co-ordinating people from all over the country.
Thankfully, after one phone call from my dad, my friends have all pulled together, agreed a timetable of short visits and agreed to not come if I am feeling awful.
Shows you just how good my friends are.
Can't remember if I posted this either but we are planning on having two funeral services.
The first will be a really private and intimate affair at a local church.
The second will be open to absolutely anyone at Sheffield Cathedral.
Dates and time will be published on the blog.
Planning both (bearing in mind I was planning my wedding four months ago) was initially heartbreaking and my parents and I both cried.
After that initial upset though the process was genuinely cathartic and we all started laughing and thinking about beautiful music, prayers, readings and hymns that would be appropriate.
It's not been easy but I'm glad I had the opportunity to share something like that with parents I love so much.
My stomach has been better today.
I tried some laxative and it has helped move things through and decrease the pressure.
Obviously there are consequences but at least I'm less miserable!