Heart break


This time I have some really sad news.

Poppy has called off the wedding and decided to separate.

I have never been so sad in all my life.

I am utterly heartbroken.

But the most diffcult thing is that I don't blame her.

There was no big argument; I think there was just the slow realisation of what getting married to me means.

Me and Pops before the illness. This is what I used to look like

She also has a new job up in Hartlepool and all these factors together made her think she could make a clean break.

As for me I already miss her so much and my life is in tatters.

Poppy was my best friend and soul mate.

I'd been with her for over 7 years and before all this started we had shared some incredible times and been to some amazing places.

If you are reading this I want you to know how much you meant to me and that I will never forget you.

She told me that basically she didn't feel the same way about me any more.

That doesn't necessarily mean my illness is directly to bame but its changed how I look, stopped me being able to travel like we used to, stopped me becoming who I wanted to be professionally. Every day someone has to help me put creams on my back to control graft versus host disease, my skin is flaking and sore.

I feel revolting.

When she said yes to my proposal I could see in her eyes that she meant it and really wanted to give it a go.

But something has changed in the last month.

Part of me feels less guilty now knowing that she is free; free from me, free from this disease and able to be exactly who she wants to be.

She is a wonderful person who has provided the most loyal support to me throughout the last year and a half.

She is about to start a new job too and I think, on some level, she thought she had a way out.

I genuinely wish her all the best and whoever she does eventually marry will be a very lucky man indeed.

As for me I have no idea what to do.

The number of cruel circumstances stacked against me just seem astonishing. I hope you agree from reading this blog I am not prone to self pity but I really do not know what I have done to deserve all this.

Poppy was the bit of hope I had built my crumbling existence on.

I promised myself that if I survived my bone marrow transplant I would propose to her. Thinking of how much fun our wedding would be was one of the main focal points I used to survive.

She also said she was happy to sign up to IVF treatment and that if I did die it would be great having a child that reminded her of me.

Just by saying that helped me more than she will ever know.

If we had split up 4 years ago it would have been difficult but ultimately fine. I would have enjoyed going out and being single again.

Graft versus host disease means I have less energy, the steroids affect parts of the body in an unpleasant way, I don't look right and as I mentioned in my previous post (before this emotional turmoil) my stomach has started to play up again. This means I feel sick a lot of the time and my appetite has gone.

I've temporarily moved back in with my parents and they have been great.

But I'm 26 and don't know what to do next. Before I would have happily moved into a shared house or got a flat on my own.

Unfortunately my time in isolation has fundamentally scarred me.

I can no longer bear being on my own for long periods of time. I really need company and the comfort of other human beings.

No one's going to marry me now so I somehow need to address the fact that I'm never going to have a family or children of my own.

Before anyone posts any comments along the lines of "Don't worry, it will be alright," please consider the reality of the situation.

I think I have really made the best of the hand I have been dealt but now I can genuinely see no way out.

Good points
1.I have got the most loving family and friends you could wish for. They have all been so supportive.
2. I have got a job I like and my colleagues at the Huddersfield Examiner have again been brilliant.

Bad points
1. Can't have children.
2. Leukaemia might be coming back (results will probably be OK from this week's test).
3. Graft versus host disease is causing all sort of problems. My skin is red and sore in places, it's flaking off at the back of my neck, energy levels are poor so I can't even go out and get drunk, it might be spreading to my stomach which means even more steroids.
4. My face is bloated and I look ugly. Sometimes I feel like I've been sunburnt.
5. My hair is really strange.
6. I can't exercise or get in shape because the steroids have weakened my legs.
7. Very unlikely that I will ever get better.
8. Even if I don't get a nasty infection and die my life expectancy has been slashed.
9. I will need cataract surgery at some point this year.
10.I will develop problems with my gums because of the radiotherapy. This also means I am prone to secondary cancers too.
11. My ambition was to be a national reporter but I have not got the energy or the abilty to move to London and work shifts.
12. I'm stuck in a job with a modest wage so how can I ever set up home on my own?
13. Need to sort out the flat and work out how we are going to divide up all the stuff.
14. Don't have enough energy to up and leave and just do something completely different.

I'm lost, deeply upset and have no idea what to do.


Adrian - what an arse, really sorry to hear this, and nothing I can say will make any difference, however remembering one of my favourite quotes from John Updike

"Dreams come true; without that possibility, nature would not incite us to have them"

blatant apology for sounding a little 'don't worry it'll be alright'

Rob :(

Just stay strong and remember you have all our support.

Dear Adrian,

I have been fascinated by your blog for sometime now, and when I heard of your heartbreak, my tears welled up. I am not totally clueless in what you are going through as I am a mom whose son had a stem cell transplant (double cord blood) for cml five years ago. Gleevec did not work for him and the new alternative drugs weren't yet available. Plus there was no match for him. The adult double cord blood was highly experimental. As you probably know, cord blood is more “forgiving� than bone marrow. He had his transplant when he turned 20 years old and he is now 25. He is a high school math teacher in Denver, Colorado.

The one thing I have learned is the rapidity of medical breakthroughs, not only for transplant success but for gvhd treatments as well. The second thing I learned is that you must think about how your experience can help others. You have been a master at the second with your wonderful blog. Helping others can only help you. As a mom, I continually waited for the “other shoe to drop� but because I volunteered with the Leukemia Lymphoma Society, and frequently talk to moms whose kids have leukemia, I am doing much better.

We have a young man in our support group who had ALL. He is almost 30 now. He had his transplant about 6 years ago and he had everything (other than death) go wrong. He was in and out of the hospital with one catastrophe after another. GVHD took away his ability to walk. The support group got him involved in a special exercise program for cancer patients and today he is walking with only the occasional use of a cane. He has been cancer free, but like you will need cataract surgery. He is now back to work as a computer programmer. He is now finally off the prednisone!

You have so much to give. I know I sound like a typical mom, but some girl, someday, will love and appreciate your beautiful heart.

My dear Adrian

I don`t know what to say - words are meaningless really.
What a star Poppy was & continues to be for you.It takes real courage to face up to the truth no matter how hard & difficult it is for you both.

But you are by no means alone as you face your leukaemia & the treatment it requires.
You will feel low - all this is normal but time is needed here. Try not to think of the future too much - it will send you mad.Take a day at a time - it`s an old saying but very relevant for you.Hang on to life - it`s very precious and all your friends & family will provide welcome support.

You will have some wonderful memories of your time with Poppy & these will sustain you in the days ahead.

Keep going, my friend.

Best Wishes as always to you & your family


Oh Adrian

How absolutely sad - sad for you and Poppie and everyone that loves you both. It certainly appears that you have one seriously major black cloud thundering right above your head.

There IS no way out - 'cause you simply have to see it through.....no matter how rough it is, going through it IS the only way out.

Who knows how this will all turn out, and even though your list of bad points is so much longer, and as real as, your list of good points - its the 'good point list' that will be there pushing and shoving, loving and laughing, holding you and crying with you as you muddle through this time of being lost - you already know that.

I am tremendously sorry to hear this news, Adrian, and wish with all my heart that there is something I could say to make it easier on you - there just simply is not.

Breathe and just be. Just Be. And then one day what will be, Will Be.

Sending you a big gentle cyber hug and a sincere hope that you won't be too lost for too awfully long.

Love and a really good dollop of light
Steven's mom

Adie you'll never have to be on your own everyone thinks so much of you and we'll all do whatever we can to help you through this, whatever it takes.
I've already said this to you, but if anyone can get through this, its you.

Adrian, you are an intelligent, caring, humourous, delightful young man - we now have to add courageous.

You are absolutely right the phrase "don't worry it's going to be alright" is clearly inappropriate. However, perhaps we just have to start to think of another approach - it is just going to be "different".

This may seem totally ridiculous with all the emotions and heartbreak you have gone and are going through.

However, Adrian, never forget the attributes mentioned above are absolutely amazing in a young man now, and will continue to be so.

I am so sorry to hear about your breakup on top of everything else.

And there's nothing wrong with being angry and devastated when the universe keeps throwing one thing after another at you. At times I think that it helps to take it one minute or an hour at a time- sometimes even a day at a time seems like forever.

It sounds like you have wonderful friends who are there for you- don't be afraid to ask them for help, and I hope that you can find some small things to take pleasure in that will give you a bit of relief at times.

Dear Adrian, so sad to hear about this, I know that you will survive through this though as you have survived through the last year and a half. Its really hard for you and also Poppy at this sad time, I am thinking of you both. PS we are all here for you, don`t forget that, not much consolation I know.. Love Dawn xxx

Hi Adrian,
You haven't been far from my thoughts since I read your sad blog yesterday.
Why is it that all I can think of to say is Shit, Shit, Shit - what a horrible lot of things are going wrong for you.
I think the responses from others on your blog are great.....I too am thinking along the lines of advice to just keep breathing and existing from one minute, to one hour, to one day.........until hope for future sneaks back into your life.
Along the lines of a special request Adrian; would it be possible for you to keep a detailed journal of your experiences and feelings? Keep the blog going but also keep a more detailed daily record that could maybe one day be turned into a book which could help those with similar experiences not feel so alone.
You have a fabulous ability to describe the cancer/transplant/post transplant experience. You give voice to so many others who are also suffering terrible consequences on their personal life, careers and health.
Just as an aside Adrian, I am wondering if you are on anti depressants. They were described by one of Ian's doctors as a MUST for anyone undergoing a transplant and coping with its long term consequences.
Ian is dyslexic and prior to his transplant, worked as a maintenance man at a golf course. He loved it - lots of machinery to drive and fresh air. Now he has lost the ability to do manual work but has discovered air brushing. He was always very good at art and it has proved to be an area that has once again given his life purpose. He has orders to air brush motor bike helmets and tanks.
Ian was once a party boy, popular with the girls and the centre of a large group of friends. He has lost that part of his life but has developed other interests and plans for the future. It has been a struggle both physically and emotionally but his life has slowly but surely gained purpose and pleasure.
Ian once said to me "if I hadn't got sick I would probably be dead by now." His love of partying and fast cars might have finished him off! That statement made me laugh but also put his illness in a slightly different light for me!!!!
Sending you the very best vibes I can from the other side of the world,

Hi Adrian,

Just to let me know we were really sad and shocked to read whats happened.
We are both thinking of you and sending you our love,

Katherine and David Gibson (from Caroline and James wedding) x

The fact you think that you'll never marry and no one will want you is preposterous. You are miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnt (hope you can recall that reference - if not I feel foolish). I'm not going to say all that "chin up" rubbish because I know it won't do any good at the moment but I will say there is always a spare room for you in our gaff - a few cheesy nights out with some delightful Welshies. I'll come along too!

Lots of love


Dear Adrian,

First - breathe,
Second - cry as loud and as long and as hard as you feel like
Third - Back up and only think about in the "near future"
Fourth - Know that you are still you inside: a warm, loving, open, amazing, gem of a human and LOVEABLE to so many of us. If you were in St. Louis I know a mom, dad, 17yr old brother, 16yr old sister, 4yr little brother, and 11yr kindred spirit who whose eyes have been opened and easily see your beauty and worth. Each of us would gladly and with great honor slather goop on your wounds and help you see who you are on the inside AND outside that makes you beautiful to us. Adrian, we love you but understand your heartache and the compassion you feel for Poppy. As you indicate, "Blame has no place here." Just finding a way to survive this heartbreak for you both, and mining happiness and HOPE that will give you an abundant life worth fighting for again and again
Perhaps a trip to Missouri is in your best interest? You can stay with us!
Love Amy and the Patrick Clan (Ryan's peeps)

Dear Adrian,
I haven't written before, but I have read your blog. My son went through a BMT for CML. He is now 19. He will be 3 years post-transplant on 5/05/08. He went through hell with GVH and other complications for two years. I am writing to say that his worst time was weaning off the prednisone. This was hard on him physically and emotionally. I relate this because he was depressed when he was coming off the prednisone. I echo Clare when she asked if you are taking anti-depressants. I don't want to be a pill pusher, but these really helped my son.

As for the break-up - I am very sorry for your heart-ache. I wish I could help. You are already helping others so much by posting your blog. I am so thankful for your postings.

From my isolation room can I just say how sorry I am. I hope you can work through this, people soon get very tired when you are so sick. I have had a recent break up, lost my mum and have GvH at the moment. I can't see too much light but I think if I moan too much I will lose all my friends. I just hope you come through.

Laura x

Hi Adrian,

Boy do I have a lot to say and comment about. I want you to read this entire thing even if you think that it may be a bit harsh at times.

You have to remember that I have also gone through a bone marrow transplant more then 19 years ago, and also went through everything that you went through EXCEPT FOR ONLY ONE THING. I will get into this in a minute...

I feel that I have the "right" to be able to make some comments to you because I have experienced so much going through all of this. I have also seen just about everything you or anyone else can think of. However, only the actual person, or their care giver will know exactly what I'm talking about.

With that said, it's down to "business". First of all you just may be a very lucky man because of what I have already seen many times. Yes, I know that your heart is broken from the recent break up of your relationship. This very same thing also happened to my very dear friend Gloria afert having to go through a bone marrow transplant. But think about what could have happened if you were already married and something like this would have happened.

Remember, that I have seen this in the past with a lot of victims of cancer. Sometimes their spouce, or girl/boy friend just can't or doesn't want to deal with these problems even if they say that it really doesn't matter to them, and eventually they just leave. In my opinion it is better that something like this happened now and not later on when you would be even more venerable. I first mentioned that I went through everything you did EXCEPT FOR ONLY ONE THING, and that was my wife never abandoned me.

She never did because this is how she is, and not only that but she was my caregiver, sometimes carrying me into the shower and stand there holding me and washing me, then holding me up when I couldn't even stand, and gently putting me back into bed. She did all of this and much, much more because this is what she wanted to do no matter what.

It is a very rare thing to be able to find a person such as she, and this is what I'm trying to make you understand. YOU REALLY DON'T KNOW SOMEONE as you might think you do unless they also share in those bad times with you, and stay with you no matter what.

Adrian, you will come back, and so what if you need cataract surgery. I also did from the radiation. I had it and it was no big deal afterward. This surgery was well worth me being able to see and enjoy my life after all of this.

My point is that I am here still living after 19 years, dealing with GVHD and SO WHAT! I'm hear dealing with what I have to, AND living my life and enjoying every minute of it, and SO SHOULD YOU!!!

You know what I disliked the most about your post? It was number 7. You wrote "Very unlikely that I will ever get better".

How wrong you are!!!!

You also said that you feel feel revolting. Adrian, your only in your twenties. Hey, I am now almost sixty four years old and if I thought like you about all of these "nasties" then I probably wouldn't be here now writing this to you.

You also said that you don't know what to do now. I do know what you need to do now, and that is to get yourself going in mind and spirt and just go on.

You just have to get your life back on track and be able to deal with what you think are such big problems, when in fact you will see that after a while that is exactly what your going to do.

I have read some of the posts that people are kind enough to be sending you, and if you really look into what they are trying to tell you, you will see that your a very talented individual that has a lot to give to this world, and yourself.

When I was fourty five years old I had a teriffic job as the head engineer for a major electronics company. I was making a lot of money and very happy at what I was doing.

THEN I got sick with Leukemia and I thought that the whole world fell out right from under me. Now I look back and do you want to know what I see? What I see is what you are now seeing, and know just how wrong I was then.

Adrian, I am not here to hold your hand, but what I am here for is to try and make you understand that what you think about yourself now is dragging you down.

I was reading both your good points and only counted two. Then I read all of the bad points you have listed and found fourteen of them.

This sort of reminds me of something that I tell to people that are going or have gone through what your now going through.

It is about a childs See-Saw. Your on one side with all of those bad things on there with you. What happens? Your on the ground with little hope of ever getting up again because everything in on your shoulders and weighing you down.

Now you start putting some of those good things on the other side of that See-Saw. Things like your family and friends, your job and colleagues at the Huddersfield Examiner.

Now what begins to happen? That other side of the See-Saw starts adding up, and tips a bit in your favor. Having a good family and so many friends makes that other side weigh a lot in your favor.

Now I know that you have more then only two good points in your life, so why not start adding them on that other side as well?

Do you remember that email I sent you about "The Window"? Why don't you try peering out of it the same way I did when I was living in that plastic bubble and really see what's out ther for you?

In five or ten years from now you will see that things that you thought were so terrible now will just be something that you knew you dealt with, and you will be happy about how things turned out.

Your friend,


Hi Adrian

Just wanted to add how very sad we were to hear this. No real advice from here other than take it one day at a time - tomorrow is another day.



Hey Adrian,

I am saddened to hear your latest news just days after I first found your blog and commented on it. I know how hard it must be to stay positive but that's really all you can do, or else there's no point coming through the leukaemia and the GvH. As I said in my previous post, my boyfriend has just had a stem cell transplant and went thru the TBI like you. It has been 5 days since the transplant and things seem to be going well at the moment. He was as high as a kite on friday and saturday - awake all day and watching films, playing with his juggling balls and cracking jokes. He has become more tired recently and getting down about the isolation. Reading your blog and watching your videos has made me a little scared of what's to come as I know that most of your problems didn't start til after this stage. However, I just have to remember that everyone is different and I can't dwell on what might happen, all I can do is deal with every situation as it happens.

From your posts I admired Poppy and the strength and support she offered you throughout your treatment. I still admire her despite feeling disappointed by the outcome. I am pretty damn sure that her love for you was very real and that like you will always have for her, she will always hold a special place for you in her heart. I wrote a poem last week, when watching my boyfriend go through the gruelling chemo and TBI. I wanted to share it with you as it gives a partner's perspective. You are not to blame Adrian for anything, neither is she. It's this crappy disease that has done it and neither you or her asked for it.


"To look at you last week, you did not show,
all of the pain you had to know.
Your eyes lit up, your boyish grin,
your arms wide open to let me in.

I miss my Ross now - where have you gone?
Wherever you are, please don't be too long.
It's like you're there but in your eyes I don't see,
the person you are that you made known to me.

I see your frustration and pain written over your face,
the clock ticking by with time gone to waste.
Why did it have to happen to you?
Being so young,strong and healthy, only age 22?

I never really know what to expect,
my stomach churns with anticipation of what I'll see next.
I can't let myself get sucked into this hole,
from the tunnel to the world each day I roll.

It feels like you've gone away - I miss you so much!
I long for your words, I ache for your touch.
I want you to make it all go away,
but this time you can't, I'm on my own for today.

Not sure how many more "today's" there'll be,
I've got to stay strong both for you and for me.
I know there's a future for us together,
I feel my love for you could go on forever.

It's this that we have to focus on,
when we are down and not feeling too strong.
I know it's all worth it for the prize at the end,
but it's killing me now, I find it hard to pretend.

I hope in your dreams you can feel free and smile,
as for the real Ross, I'll see him in a while."

Hi Adrian

No need to add any more - what a wonderful poem and words from Hayley.
You surely must get inspiration from all these great comments.

Take Care

Best Wishes to you & your family


Hi Adrian
My name is Jessica. I am from Hull so not too far from you. I have been going through treatment for 4yrs now for Hodgkins disease including a stem celll transplant in 06, a bone marrow transplant in leeds 6 months ago, plus a month of mantle radiotherapy which I finished 2 weeks ago. I was 23 when I was first diagnoised in Sydney (oz) I was 3 months into my year round the world trip. I had just had the most amazing time in South East Asia with 4 of my best mates. I also met one of their bothers out there (Paul) who I am still with now. We both understand the pressures that can come in a relationship in our situations and primarily wanted to let you know that we massively sympathise with your current situation(although sympathy is probably the last thing a positive person like yourself needs or wants!!!)
Also there is no reason why you won't find love again especially judging by your photo. Believe me I know what it feels like to suffer with GVHD and the skin problems it causes and if i was'nt with paul I would be more then happy to rub cream in your back and let you rub it on mine(which needs to be done about every 2 minutes some days so atleast you would build up some strength in ya arms!!!)
Anyways please remember the bad days never last longer than 24hours and that we are thinking of you. Please feel free to get in touch if you need a new friend!!!!!
Lots of Love Jess (and Paul)

adrian i know we dont know each other but believe me when i write how truely sorry i am, im a little choked about it. Ive been following you as an inspiration for a while, i know you will continue to be so.

Hello my love just to say you continue to be in our thoughts....what amazing people are responding to your blog....I have especially got caught up in Marty`s..another star out there shining alongside so many others. We cannot think of any more words to describe what a wonderful person you are and won`t keep on saying it but you are...love you to bits and if The Great Bagso could wave a magic wand he would...I will make sure he keeps practising...lots of hugs and kisses from Uncle Brian and Aunty Lucy xxxxx


So sorry to hear your latest news. Our hearts go out to you.

Even in your grief, your writing is as strong and gripping as ever.

So from me and the journalism students here at Sheffield College, who enjoyed meeting you and hearing your talk, we wish you peace.


Dear Adrian,
After 18 comments, I think you got pretty much everything what people can say to you. I am not a sweet talk person and I don't know you well enough to be harsh with you. But If I am your close friend and I lived in England, I would give you so much shit or beat the miserable face out of you until you stop saying stupid things!

Just saying....,no need to be afraid. (Grin)

Let's be serious, I know the feeling in thinking being alone for as long as I live and I will never get better that sort of thoughts...I went through some deep and dark feelings and I thought death was better than being alive. When I was undergoing the treatments, my mother was the only person that I could count on and there were not many good friends around. I felt so isolated from the real world and felt completely lost, not knowing where to look for hope and the purpose for keeping on going. You are lucky to have someone like Poppy to loved you when you were in the most vulnerable place in your life. The truth is, you need to stand on your own feet now and try not to feel so unloved. You have a whole family to support and love you, and I believe your friends are doing the same. For some people, that's what they need the most.

People come and go. You had her love and that's good enough. There is no forever and never say never! You have no idea what lies in front of you, Adrian. You will end up being with a more suitable woman and adopt a cutest kid when you are 30 years old. That's one hope to look forward to and it isn't impossible.

I know you are probably just expressing your sadness, so I don't blame you for being self-pity. I understand your situation and I just hope you can get yourself out of this dark hole as soon as possible. Getting DRUNK is NOT the solution!! I can't believe that you are still thinking about get drunk....that's certainly not the right way to be healthy. I hope you were joking!

You can not think of yourself as the way you used to be anymore! Your body went through and still going through so much. Adrian, you need to try to accept what you can do at the moment, maybe try to give yourself a break from thinking "normal" (There is no such thing as normal!). My mother always said to me in Chinese - your heart is too big for your body. I am 26 years old and I wanted to do so many things...but reality does not accord with hopes. I am still learning and trying to accept what life brings. I think the best part about life is I still get to see so many beautiful things, even though I am not as healthy and fit as "normal" people! Think about what you have and that will really helps to get through some difficult times.

That's enough for now, I don't know what else I can say to comfort your heart-ache. It will heal as long as you let yourself.
I wish you all the best and please take good care of yourself

adrian, i forgot to mention in my post - you are a beautiful man on the inside and out. you will have no problems finding people who could easily fall in love with you xxxx


So sorry to hear about whats happened. Take it one day at a time and if you fancy coming over to Liverpool anytime me, Liam and the gang are here waiting to buy you a pint xx

I think you are quite possibly one of the bravest people I have ever come across.
What you have been through is enough to try the strongest of people. If it had been me, I am sure I would have whined and moaned and cried my way through it. Not you. You are a fighter.
Your latest entry sounds like you are at your absolute lowest point and my heart really goes out to you.
There is nothing I can say to make you feel better and it is not my place to. I have only met you once. I also have no experience of illness so horrible and it seems dreadfully inadequate to say anything like "Don't worry. It will be alright."
Like anyone of a certain age, I have experience of heartbreak and I know how devastated I would be if I lost Richard. But I sense that for you, this is more than losing a soul mate - you have lost your hope and your dreams and that is tragic for someone who has always been so positive - even when faced with some desperate situations.
The only thing I can suggest is that you focus on the friends and family that love you. Concentrate on those that are hurting on your behalf and routing for you to mend you heart as well as get better.
I'm not sure you realise how many lives and hearts you have touched with this blog. You are an extraordinary person in so many ways - open, honest, charming - all of which I picked up on after spending just a couple of hours with you.
My thoughts are with you and have been every day since Richard told me your sad news.
I'm sure he would join me in sending our love and best wishes.

Dear Adrian,

I'm so very, very sorry.

Just keep holding on; one day it won't hurt quite so much as it's hurting you today.

All these people are thinking of you, wanting to help, wanting to make things better for you - and the really sad thing is that none of us can actually do anything much to take away the pain you're feeling at the moment. But we'll keep on wishing you well and sending our thoughts, and waiting for your world to get better...


PS: You're NOT self-pitying. You're drowning in sadness, and having to courage to say so is not remotely self-pitying, it's just being honest...


Oh Adrian, how devastating....I'm so sorry to hear the news of your break-up.

I know you must be feeling at your lowest right now. I'm not going to give you any crappy platitudes, because I know how it feels when people do that. My world fell apart last year and when well-meaning people said all the 'it's going to be all right' stuff to me I wanted to stab them (lol, sorry if that sounds harsh but it's the truth).
Life isn't fair, but you have to go on and take each day as it comes. Don't project too far into the future because it will send you insane and make you angry.

I don't know you personally away from this blog but in my opinion you're a top bloke with a brilliant sense of humour, and you obviously have so many friends who love and support you. You have to hold on to the important things, they will keep you strong.

I can't say any more other than to send you my best wishes and tell you that I hope things get better for you.


Adrian, I have to say, I am very saddened by your blog today. I agree with the mom who posted that they are always coming up with new drugs and new procedures that can help you with the GVHD. Hold on to HOPE. You are truly a special person. I can not begin to imagine how you are feeling, but I pray you will find comfort and healing from your family and friends and from those of us who care for you. May God Bless you.

i'm gutted for you
i think its sad that poppy had to leave you. i think if she truely loved you then she would stick by you no matter what. on the other hand i can kind of understand why leaving seemed like her best option.

watching somebody you love so much get ill, deteriorate etc is the hardest thing i have ever done. but i would relive every minute with my little bro a thousand times over if i could.

keep ya pecker up!!
you've come to far to give up now


ps when i first saw the heading heartbreak i thought the worst and that you had lost the fight!
so glad you're still here x
you are an inspiration

Dear Adrian,
Dreams can take you a long way and I've often found they can be a catalyst for an event becoming real. To help start your dreams how about, you sell your story to a Hollywood movie mogul and it becomes a block buster.

The movie inspires millions around the world, the story illustrating your determination to win and the support you gained from people who cared for a fellow human being. You then go on and enjoy a life full of the simple things that seem so distant at this moment in time.

It could happen, so look forward and start dreaming.

I have only posted one previous comment, even though I keep up with your blog every week.
Just wanted you that you are in my thoughts and that I hope things start to look up for you soon.
Dawn x

Hey. It's the other Baldy again.

I think almost anybody who has had a BMT and has lived through it, could write that list. It sure struck a chord with me. At the same time though, people with bone marrow transplants do fall in love, get married, find fulfilling work...and carry on.

We do have a future and you have every possibility of getting better.

I'm sorry for your loss. I know it feels like getting kicked it the balls when you're already on the floor.


dnt feel sad , dnt feel bad ..u are a true hero fighting all over the odds . U are an amazing guy and just want to say keep your heads up . Things happen when you have no control but you can fight it and kick large on the butt of all problems with your strong will. lots love xoxo..
A friend

Hi Adrian,
Thinking about you and hoping you are up to blogging again soon.
Best wishes

Hello Adrian,

There are no many words that I can say to make you feeling better but I truly believe that you are a beautiful person inside and outside, incredible brave and that now you deserve all the possible happiness. Now maybe you cannot see it but your life make you a stronger person preparing you to the fantastic things that are going to happen....I am sure...

Paola xxx

Just read your story in the Mail and logged on.
I have no experience with your illness and I can't comment or try to be positive for you. I am just an anonymous reader who is touched by your story and especially sad (and a little angry) that your love has left you.

What a beautiful person you are, with or without hair, ill or healthy, happy or sad, problems or none you are beautiful and when you are truly beautiful other beautiful people do not see any of the bad things you talk about. It shines from you in your photos and no illness or depression or tragedy will ever take that away from you.

When we look at the world today and especially young people, it's usually bad things but your story and you are inspirational - you restore faith in humanity. Your ex girlfriend, no matter how much you love and miss her now, has forgotten your beauty. She will remember it one day and realise what a diamond she lost. I can't criticise her as she has her reasons but she will regret losing her diamond!!!

Good luck and I will keep logging onto your blogg to show myself that there are some truly wonderful people out there!!

My mum had a very serious stroke 10 years ago, left her disabled down left side, unable to walk etc, she had thyroid problems, developed mild diabetes, lost all her teeth, has a nerve in her mouth which constanly pulls and is very painful, she has sores on her back, she lost her husband 8 weeks ago and now she has been diagnosed with breast cancer and is having a mastectomy in 2 weeks time. She is an exceptionally brave lady, I don't know how she copes with it all but she is an inspiration to me and the rest of the family. You are exceptionally brave too and an inspiration to your friends and family and life is never all bad, there is some good too. Good luck and God bless.


Just read your story too. I am so sorry that you feel so sad and lost, not least because you are coping with your circumstances in a way that simply amazes and inspires the rest of us. Remember too that you are touching the lives of masses of people by sharing your experience with great courage, and undoubtedly you have touched the lifes of Poppy, your family friends and colleagues in a profound way. Plus you have a new entry to the list of Good Points: Adrian Sudbury is officially famous owing to Baldy's Blog!

We're all rooting for you.


Hi Addy
When Hannah told us the awful news I felt so bad for you and Poppy. You are both so young and this is such a harsh thing to cope with. I think Poppy is so brave to tell you how she felt, and to be honest. And I think for you it must have left you feeling so desolate. I am truly sorry that both your lives have been scarred in this way. I suppose it is natural to assume that your illness is the cause of the break-up. But you may have split up, even without the illness. For those who have met you and Poppy they will know that the relationship you had was good, and fun and nice and exciting. Poppy isn't a shallow person - she didn't turn away because she didn't care, or couldn't cope, or because she didn't want to commit to you. She split up because HER feelings changed. I am in awe that she had the strength and honesty to do that. That doesn't reflect badly on you - but it is very sad. Please try to keep going - I know it will be hard - but please try.

Yesterday it was yucky and grey and my tube ride to work was dismal. Can't get a seat so try to read my paper whilst not losing my footing and ending up in the lap of someone who really wouldn't appreciate it. Then I open up to your story and think 'What a Spunkrat!' - that's what we call good looking guys in Australia. Then I read your story and nearly miss my stop because I am so engrossed. Get to me desk and log onto your blog and haven't stopped reading it yet. Actually think I may be about to get into trouble as I'm not getting much work done.
I can't and won't imagine how you deal with heartbreak with a side serving of cancer but what I can say is that you will have no problems getting some girl up the aisle. You are absolutely gorgeous (just as much as before)- loving the new hair - and who wouldn't want to spend time with someone that makes you want to laugh, cry and just be around them.

Hiya adrian, Like many others i have this week read about you in the daily mail.I was instantly hooked on your story and visited your blog for the first time.I have laughed and cried along with you and your friends and family.What a guy ! You must stay strong Adrian and I am sure life will Improve.Most of us at some time have felt like stepping off the merry-go-round for a while but as someone else said, a day is only 24hrs and the dawn brings a new day full of new life.I am a mum of four and through a set of circumstances I became a single mum.I also wanted to step off the merry-go-round .... However i hung on in there and although I have had bad days, most of them are great.Famly and friends will always see you through.Do you know what? My life is now better than it ever was because i persevered and stayed strong.I also met a great guy and I thought I would never love or be loved again... So Adrian, yes life is tough and we have our hearts broken but we can go on to love and be loved again.
I hope your health Improves and you start to feel better in yourself.You look great, a very handsome young man not unlike my own 23 yr old son.I am sure all the girls will be falling at your feet.Remember, its what is inside your soul that makes you the person you are, not whether you are having a flaky skin/bad hair day !!!
Stay strong, We are all thinking of you.
Tracey and family x x

Hi Adrian

Reading your story in the Mail nearly broke my heart. I logged on to get an update and to read all the wonderful messages you have received. How very kind people are, some you know some you dont, but we all wish you well and hope you find the strength and determination to fight your battle. We are all with you spiritually every step of the way.
Never forget what a wonderful person you are.
God Bless



I did'nt know about you or your blog until I read the Daily Mirror yesterday.

I dont know what to say to you, apart from your story touched my heart. You are extremley brave, stay strong.

Keep smiling
Angela x

....wow i dont even know where to start, ...first of all you are beyond human to me! i am sitting here with my jaw to the floor! you are truly such a beautiful person and your srength wraps around my world a million times over! i wish i could have a conversation with you and hear you speak in person! you have poked my mind and my heart like never before and you make me have a rushy feeling in the pit of my stomach! no matter what happens adrian your name and your face will be engraved in me forever! .... its wierd but i feel like your my friend ! ... keep strong! your in my mind! i believe in every ounce of you ! ....

love Lara

Having been diagnosed with Acute Basophilic Leukaemia in the beginning of the year and having the bombshell of a life expectancy dropped on my head I wish I could say I could understand what you are going through, but I can't. Yes there are certain parallels that I see from reading your blog and as such I have taken a great deal from what you have written. And I hope, one day you will have the time to read some of what I have sribed down on my blog site. What I will say is and I think you may have geard it:

The past is history,
The future is a mystery.
Today is a gift, and thats why its called the present.

If you have the wherewithall then I would highly recommend www.matthermanning.com.

Ever since the words were given to me - say yes to everything; say no to nothing - I have been on a YES kick. What am I saying yes to? Just asking the question wakes me from my slumber, where I notice the curled shoulders and constricted breath, the body posture of saying no. So I stop and lift my head and unfurl my shoulders, stretching the rib cage wide, and I say YES. It does not necessarily make it easier, or certain things less painful. It does do the trick for ceasing the internal battle of fighting for things to be different. And this alone is a freedom.

What, then, happens after the yes?

The same wise individual who suggested I say yes to everything gifted me with another grace. The ability to hold and what it might mean. I was reminded me that you cannot really hold anything, that holding is tension, that releasing is where life is found. These words brought about a wild unfolding for me. I could hear the mental constructs creaking as they shifted about and made space for something new. I could feel this crack around my heart center and all kinds of feelings rushed out. YES is more and less than I imagined.

I hold. This is how I am learning to survive. This is how I love. This is how I heal. As metaphor this is my gift. As actual and literal endeavor, it is my suffering.

In childhood “holding� was what seemed required to stay safe. Holding in all feelings and thoughts; staying silent. To open and reveal, to let go and surrender would be to abandon myself to a chaos I could not endure.

Feeling “held� has healed me more than anything else. To surrender to something beyond myself, to let loose and let it flow, to spill out my feelings and being, to welcome embrace, this is what makes me feel whole.

I have imagined yes as letting in. And, well, yes. It is this. So too is yes letting go.

I need look no further than my love of the ocean to see this as a living thing. The ocean's shore is YES. It neither holds nor banishes. The waves come to tumble upon the shore and then recede, and there is not a giving or receiving here, there is both all at once. This is how I might say yes to life in whole. Yes, let it come. Yes, let it go.

I am so not here yet. I am still spending much of my days refusing to say yes at all and finding ever inventive ways to fight against what is and make it mold to my liking. I am clinging and clutching onto both pleasure and pain as if my life depends upon it. I am saying yes to a beginning and no to an ending, or yes to an ending and no to a beginning. I am holding and even when I feel exhausted from all I carry, still I take more. This, all of this, is oddly enough what I must say yes to. I am no where else but here. Say yes to this and the world cracks open before me.

Hi Adrian
You are an amazing person, reading your blog the first time in fact any blog.
Poppy probably still love you more then ever before, and cant bare to see you in this condition she is probably not as brave as you are by moving away from you she thinks might reduce her pain.
like millions of others I thought to be a marrow donor was a painful procedure watching the clips on your blog has encouraged me and will consider been a marrow donor.
My own brother in law is in asimiliar situation as you unfortunately he lives in a country where medicine is not as advance as over here but he has a loving wife and son and rest of the family to support him.
you are an amazing person may be when I go to see him on thursday I will lwt him read your blog and it will give him your spirit and courage.
I hope to continue reading your blog in future

This made me so angry. i cant understand how she could do it. I feel for you. I hope things have changed since you posted this. But your an amazing guy with a strength that shocks me! How can she not want to be with someone so very special. I am so gutted and i dont know either of you ha.

Dear Adrian,

Your courage and strength is phenomenal.

Look towards death as leaving this World of Hell and starting an amazing life on the next level.
After all, this World as we know it is only one type of existence. I am positive there are many more lives to be had and many more things to be enjoyed.

All the very best for your next journey.


I am new to your site and came across this blog and my heart ached for you. I am sorry for your break-up. As much as I don't want to be sympathetic towards Poppy, I am trying to understand her point of view as to why the break-up happened - probably won't ever. You are a very courageous young man and as I read your blog you have many family, friends and strangers pouring their hearts into your life everyday.

We will pray for you

Dear Adrian,

I read a BBC news article about you online, and decided that I will search for you on Google. It came up with this- your blog.

I have briefly skimmed read through your newer posts, and this post has caught my eye. Having read what you have written so far, I think you are a really big-hearted, you are a nice guy. Really, I didn't think there would be someone who is actually so forgiving to someone who has, perhaps, done something 'mean' to them. Yet you are not spiteful and still say how nice Poppy is and how people meeting her will be lucky. Having read what you have written in this post, you have actually changed my thought. I ought to be shameful and really learn, I shall try hard to be nice next time someone does something bad to me.

Good luck with everything. I will keep coming to your blog (if you don't mind) =]

Mandy S

Adrian, We have been following your blog on and off for the last year or so. Not sure if you will remember us - cast your mind back to Horace and your nights away in Leighton Buzzard.
Your blog has inspired us to become bone marrow donators,if we are not too old. We had never considered it before being inspired by your blog.
You have been dealt a shit hand but you have touched so many people in ways that you may never know.
God Bless
Jean and Peter XX

Hi Adrian

New to your blog, spotted to you on the BBC yetserday, sat down read your blog and felt like shit after, i cannot believe how strong and brave you are. I was already a member of the ANT but have joined your mission, i joined the Blood Service version this morning.

How ever long you have on this world, never give in and stay strong, you have created a lot of humble people and this world needs people like you.

your a star


Hi Adrian,

I read your story in the Daily Mirror last week and just felt that i had to email you but now that i am i'm lost as to what to say to you, your a very brave guy regardless what you might think, to have to go through this and continue to keep us all informed is amazing,i pray that you will pull through this and make an amazing recovery thinking of you at all times and praying hard you get well.

Best Regards


No one should have days like this. It must hurt all over. I have this human compulsion to say something *nice* and this is what I came up with: I believe you are an international reporter now. The pay is still lousy, but we are listening to you as you report from the front-line.

May God Bless! I'll be praying for you.

hello, adrian. i'm a stranger from the US who learned about you while reading my morning news on BBC. your story touched me, so far away, and i had to respond.

i know what it's like to sit in your later twenties and grapple with the difference between who you thought you would be and who you actually are; to lose someone who you never thought you would; to be dependant on others, including your parents, at times when you thought you'd be out on your own; to feel like you've hit bottom; to struggle to find purpose. we can't ever know why things happen the way they do, but strength, determination, courage, and purpose can still be found in the bottom of a pit, and we've all got something unique to give the world. your story shows me that. your story inspires me, and you never know how many other lives you will touch.

i'm so sorry that you've gone through this much, at once, at such a young age. it's horrible, but you are getting through it. and you are surrounded by the love and support of family, friends, and others who read your story. that counts ten times more than anything on the other side of the scale. so seek what is good, draw strength from it, and take it a day at a time.

Dear Adrian,

I came upon your story through a video that was on MSN.com. I was intrigued by the video and decided to view your blog. This thing is enourmous. I am just a stranger to all of this.

I read all your pro's and con's to the illness. You said your dream was to be a "national reporter". Well bud, I think that dream has come true. Don't you think? I am reading this story across the world. I am from Cleveland, Ohio (United States). So basically your resume should say "International Reporter".

I want to thank you for posting, talking, relaying what it is like to go through this nasty disease. I know I could never in a million years do what your doing. And I think that is just selfish of me but I am being honest.

Speaking of being honest, I was reading the issue of your ex and yourself breaking up. That definetaly could be the icing on the cake. But I try to look at things in a different light. At first I thought what a horrible thing that was she did to you but then I got to thinking and I tried to empathize the situation. She broke off the engagement because she still does love you. She was being honest with you just as you are being honest to the people in this world with your disease. I would not it any different.

As for your thoughts and feelings on how you feel on the outside with regard to the different side effects of the disease and medications. No one should judge the way you feel about yourself. We may see it completely different. Outside beauty is a plus but inner beauty something rare that some people possess.

I am not a relagious person but I do believe in a god and I do believe he does exist. We as human beings are proof of that. You are destined for greatness and have achieved so much more than most of us.

Again, I thank you for all that you have done and one day given a "pass" for the devistating angony that you go through each day.

From across the world I send XOXOXOX (hugs and kisses)

From the US...
I lost a friend years ago to leukemia; so I know what it is like to watch someone change from what they once were into as he described "some sort of medical experiment" - trying one thing after another...just to extend life to see if it could be saved.

I just want to say that one thing that should be put in the "Good Points" has to do with what you put in "bad points" about not having kids - and that is BECAUSE of you, many WILL have kids...and many kids will be saved. Being a mom and knowing the joys of children I realize that is small consolation, but I wanted to give you that perspective and hope it helps.

And for the record - you don't look ugly! No amount of side affects could mask that smile. Hang in there!


Hi Adrian,

An episode of "That 70's Show" comes to mind. In it, Donna breaks up with Eric and Eric prays to have the pain taken away. An angel appears to Eric and shows him (much like "A Christmas Carol") what his life would have been like if he had never met Donna. In the end, the angel tells Eric that he will take away the pain but with it, he will also take away all memory of the relationship he had with Donna. Eric chooses to maintain the memories and go through the pain.

As hard as it may be, pain is part of LIFE and you are ALIVE. Today is a good day.


We love you Adrian. If things remain "unlucky" and you don't make it or don't stay around as long as you would have liked, just rememeber, we are all just one step behind you. I wish you all the "good luck" the universe holds and will pray for a miraculous and total recovery for you. x

From the US, Maryland.

Your struggles are a source of strength to many who dare to face their illness. You possess COURAGE beyond measure and FAITH that is beautiful. Keep your chin-up and remember that Jesus loves you. He thinks that you are precious and He is waiting to greet you on the other side!

God Bless you, mate. Going to pray for you so much tonight.

Hope never dies man... There's not much to say really... IF by a miracle you live and that girl wants to come back to you just dont take her back.

OH and i forgot to mention your a handsome guy :)))) what that illness done to you doesnt change the great guy in you and the love in your beautifull blue eyes!!!


I just watched a video of you via MSNBC.com. First of all, I have to say you are a very handsome man, 'bald and all'. You are a wonderful person. I want to share my story with you.

My husband thought the same way you do (at the beginning of the blog, on 'Who would marry me now?'). He has Cystic Fibrosis, a genetic fatal disease. He was healthy when I married him, but there was no gaurantee that the good health would last. Before we were married, we had to watch his brother pass away from CF. I did not turn away. I felt he deserves love just like anyone else, and after all, aren't we ALL going to die eventually? I felt it would at least be a 'plus' to know 'when' the time was coming, so we could do as much as possible in the little time we had. We met in 1997, married in 1999, and with the wonderful technology of medicine, we have twin girls (via IVF, ICSI). My husband got sick in July 2007, and was on oxygen 24/7, with very little energy, degrading rapidly. I beat him nightly (to clear the mucus from the lungs), and did everything I could for him, while I functioned on caffiene. We were blessed in that he got a lung transplant this past March, and although we have a long road ahead of us, most of it uncertain, I would not change a thing. He finally came home for the first time this week, battling a dangerous infection, but we still have our hope. I have my husband back, and I will love him as long as I possibly can.

My personal opinion is that you deserve a loving companion as well. I think it is wonderful that you are not angry at Poppy for leaving you, but at the same time remember that she was obviously scared and was trying to spare herself the heartache of losing you. Just remember all of the people who's lives you have touched. I hope you realize how important of a person you truly are.

I will keep hope for you.

Hello Adrian,
I am not looking to have my comments on your blog....I came across your story on MSN. I live in the USA and I am extremely touched by your story! I merely want to share from my heart!

I have not seen any mention of drawing from God's grace, looking to Him for peace and comfort.

All I can do is tell you that Christ is merely on the other side of the door, you need only to open the door.

None of us have a promise for tomorrow...I agree the hand you have been dealt is a tough one and not one that a healthy, vivbrant man should have to endure....but Adrian there is hope, there is grace and there is comfort that truly can surpass all of our mortal understanding.

I know that people can get angry when people talk of Christ's love when their whole world has been turned up-side down! I would not be much of a Christian if I did not try to reach you and let you know that the Lord can and will walk with you through this journey.

I have not ever been diagnosed with a terminal disease, but I have had some very dark times in my life and it truly was the Lord that threw out the life line.

I can only be obedient and share from my heart, what you do with my words are up to you. You may be a believer and you may not, but I know for sure that the one true comfortor is Christ.

I came across your blog today on msn.com. I believe God may have guided me. Please know that I do on some level feel your pain. The situation between you and Poppy is heartwrenching! I have just been diagnosed with adult onset epilepsy last week and I can tell you that it hasn't really "HIT" me yet. After reading your blog and in some way "bonding" with you via internet - I am starting to understand what it means to be chronically ill. If I can simplify for a moment - it effects EVERYTHING. And when it effects love - it's outcome is TRAGIC. Adrian, you have one thing going for you many people do not even think of and/or take for granted... you will meet GOD soon my friend! Maybe you have or have not made peace with passing but good things still await you. I wish you nothing but the best!!!



Hi Adrian:

I am a complete stranger to you but just saw your interview on Aljazeera this evening with Riz Khan. I was touched at your courage and the campaign you are carrying out there to encourage and educate the world.

I do admire your courage and just to ask you to be positive, you have had a year of treatment, do not be discouraged because I have seen friends who have survived cancer for over twenty years and they are still living. You are lucky to have such a loving and suppotive family and friends, it really helps.

I know how it feels for you and your family because I recetly went through that experience with my daughter. Read Psams 23. Take courage and God bless you.

Dear Adrian
I saw you on TV and I know what you are going through as my husband who had treatment for AML had severe and chronic GVHD of his skin and finally his liver. It is only now that I realise just how brave and strong he was but his strength came from his relationship with God.He was totally at peace about his situation and had total confidence about where he was going.I don't know whether or not you are a Christian or have a faith and I know that what you are doing is amazing and will be so helpful to others but I trust you won't mind if I pray that you too will find real peace in what remains of your life here on earth. May God bless you Adrian.

Hi Adrian,

I've been reading your blogs, and I just want to let you know that I will be registering to be a bone marrow donor. A lot of people have sent you messages, and I know you might not be able to read this, but I just want to let you know that you're awesome. I found information about you on a facebook group (i wonder if you know of it, if you don't have an account, you should join =) ). Thanks for all the hard work that you've put into this... I'm sorry that you've been so unlucky. You're so strong, and from looking at your pictures and reading your blogs, I find you very heroic. You still smile, and you seem to make the best of everything. I would really like to keep in touch with you and hear more updates about your condition. If you're interested, I'd really like to start chatting with you as friends. I am from the United States, California to be exact, and I would really love to hear more from you. Thanks for all that you've done. i really hope to hear from you, and if i don't, you're still a hero to be.

Nicki U.

Hi Babes,I aint wrote before but i have been keeping on top of your blog and i am so sorry to hear of your split.Big hugs from me babes.I know it seems impossible right now but you will get through this and what i know of you you are a fantastic top bloke and one day it will happen babes.
Try to keep your head held high babes and make the most of life.
Lots of loves and hugs

Adrian, I am new to your blog as of yesterday, and have been following upto 'heart break'. This is when I had to stop reading, for now, as a huge reality slap around the face came my way for many reasons..
The cat decided to pee on the bathroom floor and I thought it was such a big deal cleaning it up.
I had a disagreement with someone at work today and I decided I would take it really personally.
I cursed about the ar** at the traffic lights in front of me who decided to go nowhere and watch the lights go to green, and thought it was probably funnier to watch it change back to red, sit there and see me fume because I was late.
Picked the shortest queue in the supermarket which turned out to be the longest wait(the women thought the scouring pad was 2 for one - 34p each) but still had the supervisor checking anyway, just in case the offer was still on - she decided to leave it. Late back from lunch.
Point being, your Blog has put everything into perspective - Hence the huge reality slap that came my way, from myself, I hasten to add.
Just 2 things -well 3 really
1. Your sense of humour really shines through in your blog
2. The most un selfish person I have virtually met
3. What made you buy a car from Dewsbury?!!
Debs x


i just wanted to drop a line to say hello and you are not alone. everyone who reads your blog thinks about you every day and wishes you the best. i come across you the first time on the breakfast news and found you very inspiring and i hope you achieve what you are aiming for. you have brought a very worthwhile course to the forefront of a lot of people's minds.

i wish you sincerely all the love and happiness in the world. look after yourselfxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi Adrian. I just came across your story and I hope my own story will help u to keep fighting.
My name is Jamie and Im am 25 years old and live in Sweden. Then I was 19 my boyfriend at the time, named Caleb was diagnosed with lung cancer. He had never smoked a cigarette or anything in his life. That was the start of our hell. The doctors were optimistic because they found the cancer in an early stage and he was otherwise really healthy. He was send to the hospital and they started to give him kemo and stuff. He decided to shave his head the same day they treatment started. That was the first time I ever saw him crying. He keep his strong spirit and three month later the cancer where gone. We had this massive party and our life started to go back to normal. He continued going for checkups once in awhile. He thought it was gone forever and we started making planes for our future. We travelled around Europe and decided to take a road trip around USA. One week before we were leaving he went to a checkup. he had a cold and had started to cough a few week earlier but we only thought it was because of the cold he had. June 24 2004 the doctor saw three shadows on the x-ray. The cancer was back. After that it went straight to hell. He was back at the hospital again and they started the kemo treatment again. He was feeling bad and there where noting that could sheer him up. He was vomiting like crazy and went from athletic young man to a blown up skeleton. He kept fighting and didn't give up. December 2 they took out one of his lungs. By now he could hardly breathe. The doctors said they never seen lung cancer move at this speed. By Easter he could hardly breathe by himself and was given oxidant 17 hours a day. They tried al sorts of medicines and treatments on him but the cancer just kept spreading. The doctors told him he only had week to live. He was stubborn like a pig and he fought and fought. In November 2005 he decided to leave the hospital. He had a oxidant tank with him at all times and he was in really bad condition but now he was home. He let his two dogs sleep in his bed and he knew that it was his time but did no fuss about it. His friends came to see him and we had a small party. I hated it so much at the time but every evening we laid in bed and planed the music and so on for his funeral. It wasn't that he gave up but he just know that this was one fight he couldn't win. On December 10 he fell asleep like he did all afternoons for some hours but this time he didn't wake up. He died 23 years old.
I know this story ends badly but he NEVER gave up hope. He gave us around him so much joy until the end and he will be forever missed. U in the other hand will pull trough this and beat the living shit out of the cancer. U are so beautiful and don't u dare think u will never found a girl again. Your smile and your eyes are gorgeous and your spirit is one in a million. U will live and u will get a family of your own.
He had a big poster that we made that we put on the sealing over his hospital bed so that whenever he felt like hope was leaving him...those word made hope come back and made him stronger.
Attitudes are contagious. Are yours worth catching?
Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.

Defeat is not bitter unless you swallow it.
Once you choose hope, anything's possible.

When the world says, "Give up,"
Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."

Some see a hopeless end, while others see an endless hope.

Hi Adrian, I have just found your sight and find everything you have written very emotional but also very helpful. My friend died in December from Leukaemia at the age of 20. Everyday goes by and i miss her, but she made such a positive impact on the people around her just like you are doing. She got married 13days before she died to her boyfriend of 8years. We are currenlty setting up a charity linked with the hospital where she had her treatment to help families with children with Leukaemia with financial aid. Thankyou for writing the exact truth of how u feel. I have watched how hard it is and your words all make sense! Take care. X X

Hi Adrian

Im part way through reading your blog for the first time and wanted to say to you that you are an inspiration to us all and one brave man, I am in awe. You are a lovely man. Kazza x

I know what you're going through must be terrible and I can't imagine facing my own mortality. I have signed your petition and am reading through your blogs and they seem honest and difficult to write.
I felt compelled to comment on this post however as I think you should really take it down. All the others have been about yourself and are understandable, but I think this is pure emotional manipulation and self pity of the kind you have not previously displayed and I can't believe you would really want Poppy to look back on this. It is obvious you are hurt here and I don't think anyone would blame you, but many of the things you say seem insincere and designed to hurt Poppy and make her feel guilty, a public display of the pain she has caused a man who is already down on his luck, even if you didn't feel like that is what you were doing.
I applaud your blog and the work you are doing in raising awareness of leukaemia, but I think that upon reflection you should see what a departure this post is from that and in the event of this being published as a book, which let's face it is likely to happen, I don't think it would be fair to include this entry. I know I don't know you, but you have put your life up online and invited comment, so I feel I am justified in giving my opinion.
Good luck with your campaign.

Hi Adrian,

I am from India.

Very sad when I read about your break up.

You deserve someone better than Poppy, what if this happened after your marriage with Poppy?I cant agree with your poppy, sorry.I cant understand why are people behaving like this.

I wish you luck, if possible I must have given you half my life.

Love and Regards,


I am just 1 week old to this blog.

I was reading Adrians entries and read a comment from Marty..glad to know that there are such people as friends.

One or two more comments touched my heart, one from Sweden and from Ben Rodgers.

Belated comment.


dear adrian , i dont know how u suffer but i watch my son suffer just like u hes 15 years and he too has had his fill of chemo,radiotheraphy and a bonemarrow transplant, he too is suffering graph verses host disease hes in hospital as we speak as he has also got lung problems now they have found some shadows there he is with his dad as i not very calm when he has treatment ,i used to be able to stay calm but after nearly five years its become too much will see him after surgery please stay strong as i say to my son all will come good ,your a winner already , and by the way i think you are a cracker what a beautiful smile u are far from ugly . good luck my friend stay possitive xxxxxxx


I was Googling for pictures of Lilo and Stitch and you pop up??? I felt complelled to click and I read your blog. Now I know why your picture popped up. I believe the Lord wanted me to read it. My grandpa has acute myloidgenious leukemia. He was given thrre months to live. This type of leukemia is uncurable.

We prayed, put him on a hard raw detox diet, and he took a experimental drug used for Lou Gehrig's Disease called Vidazia. When he started he was 1/3 purple from the eternal bleeding. He was receiving 2 blood and one platlet tranfusion a day. He continued to get better. He had another bone marrow test and was 100% cancer free in 5 months. Emory University offers this program at their Wellstar Center in Atlanta, GA USA. If you ant to know the details of the detox diet email!

God bless,

Ya know, this young man has poured his heart and soul into this blog. He is a human being deserving respect. Respect is not something he is getting with stupid comments being left with links to digital cameras, nokia phones, or whatever other stupid things you're trying to sell people on HIS blog. Show some compassion.

To Adrian's family and friends: I am very sorry for your loss. I have a cousin whom I love dearly that has Lymphoma and it breaks my heart to see him struggle. I have lost a lot in my life and most of it before 21. Another cousin shot & murdered and sister passed in a car accident. My thoughts and prayers are with you all.

1 year ago i lost my grand daughter to meckelgrouper syndrome a rare and teribble disfiguring disease. i remember looking into her eyes and seeing beauty in its rarest form, beauty only love sees. i see that same beauty when i look into your eyes. you are beauty..... beauty dweels in the heart and i thank you for giving me another glimpse of the beauty i had only been privleged to see once in all my 42 years of life... there is peace.. you are in my prayers granny

About this Entry

This page contains a single entry by Adrian Sudbury published on April 4, 2008 11:57 AM.

The Punto is dead - long live the Vectra. Plus 5mg of steds a day and a more serious flare (Part 32) was the previous entry in this blog.

Bone Marrow Sample 3 is the next entry in this blog.

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