Baldy's Blog

Dear Adrian,

When I saw the headline "The drugs don't work..." I was prepared to read some bad news - I did not expect to read that you had stopped taking any of your medication! Adrian, we are on this earth for such a short time and we owe it to not only ourselves, but to our family and friends, to remain here as long as we can. Please don't do anything that could jeopardise your chance of future happiness, albeit a different kind to the one you imagined and wanted.

No one can say how they would feel given the same situation, but you have managed to win the hearts of so many people in writing your blog and you wouldn't want to let us down would you?

I am not going to say any more, please don't think me harsh - just don't give in!!

I'm not in your position so I cannot offer advice on what you should do. I can't even begin to imagine what it's like being you. All i can say is follow your own mind but consider the advice of your doctors too. Having the correct frame of mind is very important in your battle but all these drugs and treatments are certainly altering your brain pattern. Not only have you the disease to contend with but you alos have to conccur the effects of your treatment.

Rest (Plenty) and perhaps stop yearning for 'the normal things' until your body is strong enough to cope.

Remember, the strongest weapon you have is your brain and mindset. It can do powerful things and ultimately it's your best friend. Listen to it and you won't go far wrong.

BE STRONG and don't let the bugger beat you.

R

Hi Adrian - people do take holidays from Gleevec/imatinib for various reasons, intolerance, other medical events (surgery) etc and then go back on after a few weeks and having that holiday return tot he gleevec with no problems

THis drug targets CML, the C standing for Chronic meaning slow, so hopefully you should be fine if you go back on it and your holiday shouldn't effect you too much.

I am not a doctor just relaying some other peoples expereinces that I have read about. So good to check with the Dr's though as well

Rob - http://cmlblog.spaces.live.com

Adrian,love and thoughts are with you,
Jean xx

Hi Adrian,

You say you have no idea what to do but I think you sum up your situation very eloquently:

“Since the separation I have really felt like I no longer have anything to live for. As I explained before ALL my hope was resting on that wedding and having a family”

I can’t even pretend to know what you’re going through, so with the humongous caveat that it’s easy for me to say, here are my thoughts:

It seems that you feel that this was your one and only chance of having a wedding and family – that’s an awful lot of pressure to put on yourself (and Poppy). It’s always devastating when a relationship ends but would you feel so finite about things if it weren’t for your illness? Okay, fertility may be a problem, but there’s no reason why you can’t find happiness in a relationship again. The big problem is that it all hinges on making a recovery, and there are no guarantees of that, right?

Whether you should take or abstain from the drugs is not my place to say, but I think your biggest challenge is beyond medication. Mentally you need to find a new sense of purpose in life. Whether that’s your family and friends, your blog or a new project, who knows. But having something positive to focus on has got to be better than dwelling on what could have been, which will surely eat you up.

Blessings and love to you and may you get an inner strength from somewhere for you to carry on.

Much love to you

Dear Adrian, I added to your blog yesterday telling you what my husband had been through with AML and all the set backs (he wasnt meant to make it!) He is 2 yrs post transplant now after it going to his spinal fluid/brain and lots of other complications. You dont want to give in otherwise you wouyldnt have admitted that you're not taking your medicines. You need to realise whilst you have a chance - no matter how small it might be you have to grab it. I have had many friends at Barts that have been told theres only weeks or days left. Take your medicine while you have the chance, dont waste this chance and dont give up. Miracles/unexpected good things do happen. You dont know my husband but you must have heard of Lance Armstrong, read his autobiography, Gina X

Hi everyone,

Thanks so much for all your kind comments and advice.

I'm just about to head off to Liverpool to spend some time with friends. It should be excellent but I'm so tired all the time.

I'm OK when I'm with my mates, I feel good again and can laugh.

I think you are right though. I need to discover a new purpose.

Thank you all again and have a good bank holiday.

Hi Adrian,

I read your story in the Daily Mail last night and started reading your blog from the very beginning this morning. I work as a nurse in the city hospital in Belfast and I have never read anything like it, or came across someone who faces illness, and everything that goes with it, with such courage. Please don't give up. The world needs more people like you.

Suzanne

Hi my Daughter has Anorexia and has been taking fluoxetine for a couple of months while in Addenbrookes hospital at first it made her very sleepy cold and sometimes a bit dizzy,
which they say is all quite common it took a couple of weeks to start working but after that it made such a difference in her mood, so please try and give it a go good luck Donna.

Hi Adrian

I'm Chief Executive of a cancer research charity ...i'd love to talk to you to see if you'd be interested in lending some of your many obvious skills to help communicate with and inspire other cancer patients like yourself...you never know it may just give you something to focus on...at least as long as the length of a conversation with me!

During my mum's battle with cancer the best thing i could do for her was to help her feel as normal as possible...may be i could give you some normality too.

Hope to hear from you.

Jane

Dear Adrian,

I was travelling from Chelmsford, April 29th. I bought the Daily Mail and read your article.

I think you are very brave and i think all of this is a wonderful idea.

My mother had cancer. It was a very aggressive one. I really hope your treatemnt carries on helping you!

I just want you to know this is not a sales pitch but on April 29th, just a few days ago I di go to see the physic surgeoun and he did operate on me and it has been very successful. He is a superb person. I have a few friends whom have been to him in the past with great success. He would charge £25 for a treatment.

I have copied this from the Net:

Danbury Healing Clinic
Miami Hotel, Princes Road, Chelmsford, Essex, CM2 9AJ.
+44 (0)1245 348325

MIRACLES ARE AN EVERYDAY OCCURRENCE FOR HEALER STEPHEN TUROFF. PEOPLE FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK TO HIS CHELMSFORD CLINIC HOPING HE CAN END WHAT IS OFTEN YEARS OF PHYSICAL TORMENT AND SUFFERING. COACHES FILL THE CAR PARK. STEPHEN SAYS A DISCARNATE DOCTOR WORKS 'THROUGH' HIM; THAT HE HAS A HIGH SUCCESS. CHRIS STONER INTRODUCES US TO THE EXTRAORDINARY WORLD OF PSYCHIC SURGERY.

I first saw Stephen 's documentary on TV, can't remember which channel it was now but told a few people and got my friend to go who was on death's door. Also, I have a friend who is a retired vetinary surgeon, he is very scintific in his approach and beliefs so was not keen to go to Stephen Turoff. I persuaded him and he went, he had always to have steroid injections to his knee as so painful. Stephen got hold of his knee and laughed and said he had the knee of a nine year old! He then proceeded to malnipulate all the bones in Anthony's feet. Anthony was in quite a bit of pain when he did it. I observed all of this as I was in the room. Since seeing Stephen Anthony has never had pain in his knee.

I also persuaded my friend Mark Harris who is the art director for the latest Bond Movie to see Turoff. Mark was not so keen but he was in a lot of pain and was told he would have to have his gall bladder out. Since seeing Turoff Mark has had no pain. Neither has he had to have his gall bladder out. Mark works at Pinewood Studios.

I speak the truth to you. I really hope you would go to Stephen Turoff as he has cured people from their cancer.

I do wish you every bit of life and happiness!

Amanda Swan

Hi Adrian,
i don't want to go into long comments, so i just say what i'd like.
please do some research on dairy products. the thought behind it that milk contains some stuff that helps cells multiply (hence all the newborn mammals are fed milk = fast grow). what all this means is that especially cancer sufferers should exclude all dairy as this helps cancer cells to multiply.
i know many doctors say it's loads of rubbish, but i actually believe in it. many of my family memebers died of cancer. dad got it as well. as soon as the diagnosis came through i put him on dairy/meat/sugar free diet. it was mainly raw food (fruit and veg), cooced pulses, tofu. all was with no chemicals, E umbers, etc. dad has been given all clear few years back. i believe the diet played big part.
please do some research on it also on raw food. you can at least give it a try. nothing to lose.
sad to see you depresed and suffering. you never know - it might be the CURE!

best wishes
Karin

Like many others I read your blog in The Daily Mail - or as my stuck up husband calls it "The housewives paper". I am glad that I read it otherwise I would not have had the pleasure and pain of reading such an honest insight into your life. My son's friend sadly lost her fight against cancer when she was 8 years old, she should now be 12 years old. I cannot imagine the confused state that you are in at the moment but each day is so different and even the small inappropriate laughs are still good. My son's friend is always with us all and I am lending you a tiny bit (which is all you will need) of her wonderful strength and humour. Laugh and cry in equal measures x

Hi Adrian,
Love, thoughts and prayers are with you
X

I wish I had a mirror
So I could reflect back at you..
The beauty that is within you
Both on the inside and on the outside..
So you could see yourself through others eyes..
Your lovely and generous spirit
The sparkling eyes and smile
That the world is a better place just for having you in it
I wish I could give you self belief
So that you could believe in yourself, the way others believe in you
That you could see the unique and wonderful person that you are
created for a very special purpose
Which is uniquely and solely yours..
And which is bigger and more wonderful than you can even hold in your dreams
I’ll let you into a little secret, God smiled the day he created you…
Because he saw the things in you that I see
So hold your head up high when storm clouds come..
.and remember that by natures laws
Sunshine and rainbows follow rain
Just as surely as night follows day..
And that there is not another person on this earth
Who has been created in the same way as you have been
Who can do all the things you were created to do and be
What has the same inner light shining inside them that you do..
And can make the same impact and contribution to the world

Hi Adrian, I logged onto your blog for the first time after reading the article about you in the Daily Mail. My Dad was in P3 from June 2005 to August 2006 with AML. Sadly he is no longer with us and I miss him every day but I felt impelled to drop you a line to say how much your comments and honesty have moved me. You are clearly an extraordinary person who I am sure will find a way through this. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you but they all sound about as cheesy as a wotsit in my head so I won't bore you. I wish you all the best and will continue to read your blog to make sure my wotsits will not be needed at a later date!!

Regards
Kelly

Hey Adrian,

hope you have a good weekend with your mates, sounds like it's just what you need.

I'm not going to judge you on the medication issue, obviously you should take them but the GvHD sounds so frustratingly debilitating that it's bound to affect you. I'd probably want to stick two fingers up to all the drugs as well! Not the best thing to do though, I'm just saying that I can understand your reaction in some way.

Take care with the anti-depressants, do you actually need them? I'm not really in a position to make that call, I just don't want them to make you feel worse(as happened with the Citalopram).

Enjoy your weekend, hope it gives you the chance to forget about all the shite for at least a little while!

Catherine

Adrian, have a great time with your friends, have a few days of rest and relaxation (probably not much rest!) I can't even pretend to know what you are going through at this time, but what I do know is that you have come so far, small steps are all that you need take.Keep going,you can do this, we are all behind you.

“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.”

Dear Adrian, I read the article in the Mail and felt we were in a similar situation. Im 36 and on 22/12/07 great timing!was told I have cancer (breast) was fit and had everything to look forward to, suddenly I was thrown into a world I diden't want to be in, operation, chemo (half way through now) and uncertainty all to much to take in and theres days I still can't believe this is happening, bald like yourself and just trying to carry on normal life, exhausted mentally and physically..blimey don't want to make you more depressed but what I really want to say is we will make a path through this we have to, your family keep you going and no matter how bleak find a tiny spot of hope and focus on it and I think is will get better it has to. Please don't give up yet, belive me the thought has crossed my mind for loved ones to see you like me is the hardest thing but they love me no matter what, take those happy pills and do whatever you can to pull yourself up, if I can then you must. And believe me I'm the biggest baby there is..I was boo hooing having chemo yesterday..I've got to toughen up..email me if you want and try to keep smiling I know how hard that is. x

Like many others I found your blog via the Mail article and am so thankful I did.I have a 23yr old relative with a recent diagnosis of a rare type of cancer and he is in the early stage of chemo.Reading your blog has been very informative for me and has given me a better insight into the treatment and its impact.One of today's comments talks of your inspiration to other cancer sufferers but it goes beyond this and extends to people like me who feel the pain of the sufferer even though it is at a distance.Whilst it is easy to understand your mood, I am going to be utterly selfish and asked you not to give up but have some time with your friends and try to get your head round your current situation. Positive thinking does not come easy in the face of adversity but please try for the sake of all those who care deeply about you but mostly for you.Best wishes from a complete stranger who cares what happens to you. Diane R.

Dear Adrian,
I am an American, but I'm hooked on the Daily Mail and the BBC news because it's nice to read about what our neighbors across the pond are doing. I read your story today, and was so touched I felt like I had to drop you line. I have never been in your situation, but I wanted to extend some small measure of hope to you in any form I could think of.

My long-time boyfriend and soon to be fiance got a particularly rare and aggressive form of cancer when he was 4 years old. For years he suffered with chemo treatments, and when everyone thought his time was near, received last rights. Against all odds, he pulled through, and has been cancer free for 14 years. Despite this miracle, he is plagued by fears about his future. Did the chemo slash his life expectancy, will it come back? Can he have children? So many questions.

When he gets like this, I send him things I have read to cheer him up or change his attitude. Lately, I sent him John Ashbery's "The Ecclesiast" and sections of Ecclesiastes from the King James Bible. I am not a particularly religious person, but what these passages say make sense, especially in your situation.

"For to him that is joined to all the living there is hope: for a living dog is better than a dead lion. (You are not a dog Adrian!) For the living know that they shall die: but the dead know not any thing, neither have they any more a reward; for the memory of them is forgotten. Also their love, and their hatred, and their envy, is now perished; neither have they any more a portion for ever in any thing that is done under the sun. Go thy way, eat thy bread with joy, and drink thy wine with a merry heart; for God now accepteth thy works. Let thy garments be always white; and let thy head lack no ointment (there is your steroid cream)............ Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with thy might; for there is no work, nor device, nor knowledge, nor wisdom, in the grave, whither thou goest."

Keep going Adrian!!! You are a lovely person, and you deserve to live!!!

Love, Mallory

Hi Adrian
I left a note on your blog yesterday re my son with ALL. I completely understand your need to feel 'normal' again and wanting to get back to the things that were part of your every day life and the feeling of frustration. My son can feel completely low and then a couple of his mates will turn up or his brother comes home and they sit and watch a game of football on TV or play X Box and the 'banter' starts and he is like a different person. I am glad you are going to see mates, I was concerned when you said that you were putting the cream on your back yourself. If you are anything like my son, he feels too tired to be with people and it is a big effort but he can't stand being alone. Can any of your mates stay awhile or perhaps some family ? Being on your own gives a person too much time to brood.
You are a wonderful, incredibly talented young man and this period in your life will give you the strength to be one of the best writers we have ever seen. In regards to marriage, the person you choose in the future will have to be very special to deserve you! Have a great Bank Holiday, let the drugs work, get focused again and make sure you have plenty of support around you.
Sally

Hi Aidrian.. I just read your blog and i wanted to share my experience with you On new years day 08 i lost my 8 yr old son to leukaemia..he had it 3 yrs but relapsed sooo many times..like you his only chance of survival was a bone marrow transplant..we managed to find a donor and went to sheffield childrens with our bags packed ready for our stint in isolation but when they tested his marrow it was full of leuk ,so he was given a new drug which got him into remmision to try again..the same thing happened again this time we were sent away knowing he only had days or weeks to live..If theres something on the table you have to take it..if i was offered a drug to keep liam alive for one more day i would make him take it ..hours and minutes are precious in this world..the iches will go away the swelling from steroids will go away the achy legs will go away..you will and can get through this..now get the fight back inside you ..you are living your own life now for you..somebody gave you the chance to live.. be grateful that it was meant to be..dont think this is the end.. think this is the start of a new stronger person who despite the odds is pulling thro...cancer i feel is like the lottery one never knows but it looks like your numbers have been good so far so maybe your going to hit the jackpot..if you get chance look at the charity gig we did for liam at nottm rock city..www.thejuliecottonfoundation.co.uk.we raised approx 15.000 for leuk research..take care of yourself julie x

Hi Adrian it's Julian from TM Llandudno Junction office again. I won't go down the road of 'really sorry' because I know where you're coming from. Like you I felt that shitty half way into my treatment that I had to plead with my consultant that I couldn't take any more and I laid off vital drugs for a month and although I felt no better when I went back on them I somehow zombified my way through it all. I also ended up on Citalopram anti-depressants and I have to say the first two days of taking them nearly drove me mad and although I was told they would 'lighten my mood' they never did and so decided to wean myself off them and have actually felt a lot better since. I know that feeling of 'I don't know what to do' as I stared out of my front room window for 14 hours a day for nearly ten months but I DID COME THROUGH IT ALL and that's my message. I hope it helps. Julian.

Hi there, after reading your entries in the Mail the other day thought I would have a quick nose at your Blog (first time I have visited one, not techo minded) and here I am an hour later still in my dressing gown!, I have no deep words of wisdom to offer all I can say is stay strong you have got this far through sheer grit and determination and it shows how strong your will to overcome this is. I have lost a friend to cancer and her fight to the end left me speechless at times as there were no words that could describe my admiration for her eternal optimism and humour right until the very end, my Father is currently having treatment for Cancer and is doing really well he has stayed so positive throughout. Anyway, I just wanted to say again please stay strong do not give way to the negative demons that get inside our heads sometimes, taking your life is NEVER an option you have to fight until there is no fight left and I reckon you have plenty of fighting spirit left in you from what I can see.
Surround yourself with your friends be on your own as little as possible as when we are with our friends it keeps our spirits high, how ever we may feel we always put a bright, cheery face on for others and that in turn does us the world of good. And lastly I would like to celebrate the sheer handsomeness(is that a word?) of the bald man after all I married one! who needs hair when you have eyes like yours.

Jaqui x

Dear Adrian, GVHD is a big mountain : you can get to the top only if you have patience.I know it probably sounds stupid, but that's the truth.My husband has been feeling as you feel now several times,it's not easy to accept to change your life and begin to live with a chronic disease, but it's probably better than to fight against an acute one.I don't know if you are still on photopheresis, but if you still are or want to start again with this kind of treatment, the first stable benefits can show themselves after a not defined amount of time.Even steroids can help you, but as I perfectly know they can give lots of negative effects (included depression) , and ciclosporine too.But medicines are the ones that can elevate your life expectancy and keep you safe maybe till the time that a new discover will make us able to win the war against this disease.
Love, giorgia and mirco

Hi Adrian

I just wanted to say I read your blog in the Daily Mail and felt compelled to visit your site. I don't have any advice as such to offer but I watched my mum go through a similar thing and I really feel for you. Life doesn't half throw some sh** at you eh?
Well you are most certainly in my thoughts and I will be sending positive thoughts your way!

Keep your chin up (easy for me to say!)

Take good care of yourself

Charley xx

Hi Adrian, i thought i would pay you a visit as i just read some of your blog in the daily mail, and I have to say(sounds cheesy)it did move me and i can say i know what it feels like! I havent got leukaemia but was diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma(kinda related to leukaemia i think?) in jan 2007. Being only 24 at the time i was gutted really and thought that was it really!!! I know my case differs from yours in that its probably one of the most curable cancers(if you could ever say the word cure!) but it still brought with it the same feelings, im stuck, where will i be in a years time etc..... I got the all clear last nov but have still had scans and am awaiting another all clear scan in may. If thats sucessful then i can start looking for a part time job abd hopefully get back into scuba diving(which i love). Anyway, enough about me, i just wanted to say that really my family and friends pulled me through and although im quite a strong person i do always worry and think the worst will always happen, but i have to say that since getting this illness im up for anything and am determined i will want to go out out there and do things that i have always wanted to do(within reason). Its good to set goals no matter how small and have things to look forward too, positive thinking always helps, i know it sounds obvious and is hard to imagine sometimes, yes there will be bad days its to be expected, i always like to look forward to something, even if its just going to the cinema!!! Its hard for me to say these things to you coz i think we are in slightly different boats, but i just think if i havent got as much time now as what i thought i would have then make the most of it. Hope this doesnt sound too preachy!!!! You may think im totally wrong, im just saying things from my experience and i wanted to share them with you......maybe cheer you up!
It also helps if you have a minature sausage dog like the one my parents got me when i found out!!!He cracks me up everyday! Take care anyway.xxx.

Hi Aidrian

By the time you get this I hope fervently that you are well into your weekend in Liverpool and are trying to feel some sense of normality for a little while.

I am another Mail Reader who was moved to tears by your blog. I won't use false words and say I understand all that you are going through right now because even though my sister and father in law went through their own cancer battles last year - and got through it, I still was only a bystander who could do no more than offer different body lotions and potions for drying skin, mouth fresheners for blistered gums etc. I felt impotent, I am sure you know what I mean by that!

All I can say is that at first I felt incensed with your girlfriend Poppy for leaving you in your hour of need but then I thought about it and realised how incredibly hard the decision must have been for her. She must have loved you so much so that she couldn't bear for the future in case you weren't in it.

But that doesn't mean that there isn't a future with you in it - you have to find some new purpose Aidrian - I was going to suggest a pet for now to take your mind off things but it sounded crass and besides with your immune system so low it is out of the question I suppose.

You are a damn fine writer and have a heart as big as the sun that I can see. You should use this gift to encourage and help fellow sufferers - perhaps the children that you love so much - a child's story perhaps putting a positive spin on this horrible horrible disease?

I can't say what you must do but please don't give up on life Aidrian because it is only a phase in your life right now, time will change your perspective and your symptoms. Perhaps another Poppy will come along to wipe away those tears I do hope so.

Take care and I shall look out for you blog enteries and pray they go on for a long time to come.

Andrea
XX

Hi Adrian

Enjoy your time in Liverpool. you need to be with your friends and to feel normal again then you can hopefully have a few laughs and a muck about and your depression will lift (that is if you are depressed). Come home posative and ready to fight some more and please please take your medication. Thinking of you.

Pauline x x

Aidrian

I wrote my first comment the other day after reading the Mail. I have never commented on websites before but your story inspired me - I did not intend to comment again and was just going to keep reading.

However, depression is something I do feel able to comment on. You have never had depression before and you will probably never have depression again after this ordeal, but I do think you have it now and it's not something to be ashamed of. However, it's probably more risky than your cancer at present as it takes away your fight and your spirit and indeed, sometimes your soul. It is not you who has given up fighting, it is depression that has.

Depression is temporary and pretty predictable when you have been through such huge traumas as you have. When your depression lifts you WILL think 'my god, how could I have given up?' Depression is like living in a surreal black cloud. I have had it before and am quite 'normal' (so I think anyway, others may not agree!!)but it does take away your 'fight' to live, even without all your problems.

You have tried for so long to be positive and upbeat and even tried to be brave when your girlfriend left - that is usually the cause of depression. Trying too hard to be strong when really we just need to acknowledge the immense pain that is ripping through us. Depression is the body's way of 'detaching' from the painful reality of the situation we are in to stop us from 'feeling' that pain. PLEASE continue to see the Psychiatrist as they will help you get your 'fight' back!!! And you will - definitely!!

You are in my thoughts XXXXXX

the most important book you'll ever read:

http://www.winningcancer.com/about-the-book/buy/

good luck

Alex

Hi Adrian,
I admire your honesty in your postings....so thought it was only fair that I express some honest feelings to you.
Cancer has lots of victims. By this I mean that the horrible diseases that have robbed you of so much have also robbed your family and friends of much. They struggle every day with the thought that someone they love very deeply is suffering and that they may one day face the seemingly unbearable prospect of spending the rest of their lives without the person that they love so much.
I understand that you are fed up, depressed and desperately need to feel that you have some control over your own destiny.
To take back some control over the disease and its consequences you have stopped taking medication. This action may untimately threaten your chances of survival. You have, of course, every right to do this but I'm asking you to consider how much added distress this places on those who love you.
My son is about your age and suffering very badly from cghvd. As his Mum I am good at acting bravely in front of him and trying to say and do whatever it takes to make his life worth while but underneath I am falling apart.
So Adrian, cancer has devastated not only you but all those who love you.
We all need to fight on as best we can and I think by not taking your medications, you are making the battle harder on those around you.
Adrian, please believe that you still have a chance to beat the cancer and take heart knowing that many others who have worse cgvhd than you, have gone on to lead happy lives.
Cheers
Clare

just want to wrap you up in my arms for an old fashioned hug ,thinking of you as are many please look after yourself as best you can love will come again .

Hi Adrian.
Sorry to hear you are feeling so low at the moment, just hope the pills get to work soon so you may see a glimmer of hope for the future.
Sometimes I imagine you reading these messages and am never sure whether they make you feel better or worse - you must get pretty cynical at times..
Anyway, I am not going to offer any words of wisdom as I dont have any - and any I might have would sound fairly crappy compared to some of the heartfelt ones posted this week. I just wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts, and have been since your blog began. You inspired me (and no doubt countless others) to join the Anthony Nolan Trust and I hope you realise how special you are.
Dawn xxx

Hi Adrian

I wish I could offer words of support which will miraculously turn your situation around for you.

All I will say is tides to change even in the most difficult of circumstances if you manage to come through it. Depression has a way of colouring things out of your favour but there is a life after a relationship has finished even if it is not the one you may have expected. Marriage was something to look forward to but all other things would have remained equal. You strike me as the sort of person who can grab life with both hands and go for it. Your friends, Family and all those who are following this blog are routing for you. Get the help you need but don't give up there is so much more to life than an illness you just have to explore different ways of having a new one and thats the fun part. Best of luck!

Dear Adrian

I first read your story in the Daily Mail as I was sitting in the relatives room in the Intensive Care Unit waiting to see my Dad who had become critically ill with septicemia.

You seemed so strong and optomistic despite your ordeal.

Of course you have a right to feel sorry for yourself! My god, it's healthy if you ask me.

Please, please don't stop taking the tablets if you could possibly allow septicemia in. I am guessing that is what you mean by the unpleasant, potentially fatal infection. My Dad has septicemia which has caused him to be put on a life support machine to control his breathing, blood pressure etc. and a dialysis machine to wash his blood as his kidneys could not cope. I watched him suffer trying to concentrate on speaking to us even for a few seconds. He is now in a medically induced coma (they explained this to him just before sedating him and he couldn't even speak or ask questions as he was on a CPAP machine - I wiped a tear from his eye) whilst they desperately try to rid his body of this infection.

Please don't allow yourself to possibly suffer with this after all you have gone through.

I feel totally helpless at the moment and really so hope that this message will at least get you to think again about this. Please.

You do have so much to live for. You are so young and I am sure will find love again. Your family love you.

I am sorry if this is too emotional! I am going to sign off now but I so hope that next time I log on, you will have reconsidered about the drugs and given yourself the best chance at life.

Jane xxx

Dear Adrian,
It's up to you to decide what treatment you want but I hope that you decide to take the drugs again and give yourself a chance. It seems that the thing that has knocked you the hardest, and made you feel that life is so bleak, is the break up with your fiance. It's always gutting when someone you love leaves you, and people often feel that life isn't worth living afterwards. I know that I've felt like that in the past. It does get easier though, I promise, and although you may feel now that you don't want to get over it you will with a bit of time. If you don't keep taking the drugs that are keeping you going though you may not have the time you need to get your head straight. Please try to step back and think objectively about what you should do - imagine that your situation were happening to someone else and what you would suggest that they do. I hope that you keep going and I hope that you had a great bank holiday weekend with your mates, love Jane.

Adrian, I have never read anybody,s blog before but after reading the article in the Daily Mail i thought i just had to write to you. I was feeling very sorry for myself as I had just had a phone call from Australia informing me that my son was in intensive care after having an accident. I was so upset and wanted to be with him but knowing he was in safe hands. But when i read your story I realised that there are always other people going through traumas and getting strength from within. I know you are feeling very low at the moment Adrian but just remember there are people who love you and care about you and i hope you gain some strength from us. Please take lots of rest and try to be positive which i know will be hard. Please take care. AMANDA

oh phew........I wrote you a really nice long reply and then lost it in cyberspace. Will the cyber police come after me for rubbish infringements. Another tax........

As a writer you will know that the moment passes for the same word again. So this is just a short note. Hope the Pool visit went well.

From a teenage oldie
Jane-Mary

Hi Adrian:

Wow, could I ever relate to your blog this week. After 4 years on gleevec and dealing with side effects, feeling like crap all the time, telling my Dr, getting no relief from side effects, I stopped all my meds. I had had enough. At 36 years old, I felt like I was 90..I just wanted to feel live again. You are not alone in how you feel. I will have to share more with you later on that but know i understand.

Tracy

Ad,

As your dad,I have often thought about putting something on your blog.But why do it when I can see,ring or text you at any time? Perhaps it is because mum and I are 'just too close' Who knows?
Anyhow,having read all the comments in your postings,and especially the moving comments from Clare,I had to write.
You know how much you mean to us and how proud we are of you, and have always been,even before this awful situation began,and I think you know that we do understand.
We both believe you can have a meaningful future,even though at the present moment,every avenue appears closed to you.Every person on your blog believes that also,and they can not all be wrong!
You have so much to offer others,and this may in some way again provide you with a purpose, and we again urge you to continue with all your medication.
Mum and I have tried very, very hard to support you throughout the awfulness of the past 18 months,but to be at odds with you now, is very difficult for us.
We will never give up trying because we love you.
Mum and Dad xxx

i read your story in the daily mail,i have nothing to offer only my loving thoughts,you are a very courageous man and i hope along with many people that you will soon turn a corner and the depression will lift,Best of luck,

Hi Adrian

You are on a journey of huge highs and huge lows - at the moment there seems no way out of the lows - but there will be a brighter day ahead.

Dont give up.

Blessings

David & TeamHartley
www.teamhartley.co,uk
www.xlpresearchtrust.org

i too read your story in the mail, and moved me so much as to look you up and get intouch.

depression is a hard thing at any time, never mind your situation, but dont give up, easy for me to say i know! but you have people round you that dont deserve to lose you, you have a chance of beating this, dont waste it for them.
I dont know you, but from what ive read, you sound like a fantastic man, funny, brave, terrific writer, blah blah - you prob heard it before!!

anyway your in my thoughts, hope you enjoyed liverpool, and if being with mates helps stay longer! smiles and happiness are good!

i dont usually do hugs, but in this instance a big one to you!

take care of you!
kerry xxx

Hi Adrian

All these comments - it`s amazing and surely must inspire you.

How are you now??

Your dad`s comments are very meaningful to me as we have been in a simlar position and after 18 traumatic months, lost our son. As a mum, it was the hardest thing I have ever had to experience - so be nice to your mum and dad - they are there for you and will do their utmost to support you through all this.

Please let this depression lift for you and you will soon gain strength and motivation in your life.

Best Wishes and love to all.

Liz

I read about your blog in the Daily Mail and logged in. Is it right of me to find your sad stories so interesting? I don't know the answer but you are one brave guy and i'm hooked on your blog. I'm sending you a chumbawumba moment " I get knowcked down but i get up again aint nothing gonna keep me down" Laugh more cry less and watch more sunsets! I think you are ace xx

Read about you in the Daily Mail and found your story inspirational.
None of us ever choose to be heroic or do heroic things.It just happens.
You are still you,all you ever were, even though your body is seriously letting you down.The amazing energy that is you can not be destroyed or affected by all this, and your vibrancy bounces off the page when I read about you.Do what you can to stay with us. I know I have no right in the world to tell you what you should do, or even begin to realise how you must be feeling, but I can see how much you are loved by those who know, and I am truly sorry that the future you anticipated for yourself has changed. You must feel very alone at the moment and your misery is intensified by all you are experiencing, but again, you are loved and some people go through long lives without ever knowing love in any form.
You are an amazing communicator and I admire you greatly and wish you well. Keep on fighting because heroes never see it coming.That's what makes them heroes. But you got it, and you CAN do it. Best wishes. Mary.

Adrian,

First, what an awesome set of parents you have! Your Dad's sweet note just touched me.

I have been following your blog since last year, right before your transplant was to take place. You are definitely having a time of it, but WOW! what an amazing person you are.

You are right. Your depression does seem to be only situational. It's normal!! My father is in remission for AML, his transplant was in March of last year. We are sure he had a touch of depression, in fact, I know I had it, just being a family member! I know you know this, but remember, your body is completely rebuilding itself, from the inside out! And fighting cancer at the same time! You are a very busy man on the inside, even if you're just watching TV!

Anyway, Adrian, it did go away. He relapsed, did more chemo, got the good ole' GVHD, the works. He got through it, but I don't think he would say he got through it by himself. He had doctors, nurses, family and friends. As you know, your pharmaceuticals are not the only weapons against this cancer! And he has God. You may or may not be spiritual, and I don't mean to offend, but you never know what His plan is for you.

You are serving to inspire countless. Your message has provided hope to so many, and in turn you have your very own entourage!! All of us out here are praying for you, sending you good vibes, the gamut. You are definitely serving others, and serving your purpose, even though you may not even know what that purpose is. You will never know whose life you have touched and/or changed by what you write, on any given day. Just keep writing!!

Keep that chin up. I'm not going to preach at you about the meds, or taking care of yourself. Once you pull yourself out of this trough, (and I am confident you will!) you will handle everything else. Just keep the chin up.

One last thing (I'm always so long-winded), about Poppy. Cherish her, and mourn the loss of your relationship. But know this. Love will come to you. A beautiful soul to match yours is in your future. She will see what all of us see in you, and more. And she will love you for the person you are, and always have been. Only your wrapping has changed, Adrian, not what's in your soul.

I have come to admire you so over this past year. Your bravery and honesty in the face of such adversity is truly astounding. I've only posted once, but a personality such as yours demanded I put my two cents in as well! Just take one minute at a time, and mark me down as another fan on your prayer list!

Adrian,

Please don't give up! You have so many people that care about you...and many of us don't even know you beyond this blog. Just know there are literally thousands of people praying, hoping, and thinking of you right now. We're all behind you, and from your father's comments it is clear you have an amazing family as well.

Please, please don't give up!

Love,

Devon
USA

Adrian - I cannot believe that you appeared in the Daily Mail! Of all the publications in all the towns in all the world - really! How could you have sold out to little englanders?? However - I do hope that some good has come of it, that national exposure has prompted a wave of positive love and affection to engulf you and made you realise how special you really are. When you came into L North and appeared on the programme the common reaction from colleagues was - what a great chap - and believe me in a room full of cynical journos that happens very,very rarely. Don't you dare go soft as well as tory on us!!!

Adrian where are you?
It's been several days...plez reply
and give us the pleasure of that smile and dimpled cheekes!!! what u up to?

xxxx

Adrian,

I am thinking of you and hope that the depression will lift. I think it will in time. NEVER give up on life, its sooo precious. Love and Hugs Dawn xxx

Sorry you're feeling hopeless. I had this quote written on my hospital wall because lousy things kept happening to me.

"Fall seven times, stand up eight"

You have time for things to improve. It takes a while but it all can get better.

I met a guy who had terrible GVH for 2 years. He became a tennis instructor after that. A very hot tennis instructor. That might be you.

I've seen your recent video and you are SO cute, even on the prednisone. Lucky bastard. I, on the other hand look like a pumpkin head right now.

Hi Adrian

I am a 'bloody' cancer patient too. I have a Heamologlist treating me as well. I am n Aussie girl fighting Non Hodgkins Lymphoma ( Anaplastic Large cell lymphoma, -ALK ): prognosis 50% 0-5years survival. Depressing! The chemotherapy is getting me down, lost my hair, strength, and sometimes will to live. I can totally understand the deep sadness and hopelessness you face everyday. The constant boring routine of resting, sleeping and trying to enjoy life is tiring. People say the weirdest things to you, most of the time it doesn't make you feel b